Award Winning Interview with A Vampire

I had the opportunity to meet and interview a real live vampire recently. It was incredible. Pulitzer prize, here I come. Here’s the transcript of our chat.

SAVAGE HENRY: Thank you for meeting with me again. After I met you the first time at the farmer’s market, I was thrilled. I called my editors the second I walked away, and they gave me the green light for this interview immediately. We couldn’t believe our luck.

So. Anyway, wow… You’re real. Tell me about what you do.

VAMPIRE: Yeah, sure, well, you know, I call balls and strikes, I make sure the game’s running at a decent pace, sometimes I have to toss the players or coaches from the game if they argue too much about one of my calls.

SH: How often do you suck human blood?

VAMPIRE: Never. I get my feelings hurt a little sometimes, especially when fans in the stands scream at me all game long.

SH: How old are you? 400? A thousand?

VAMPIRE: No, I’m 38.

SH: Did you ever meet any cool historical figures, like George Washington, or Teddy Roosevelt?

VAMPIRE: Uh, I met Jim Davis at a fundraiser once.

SH: Wow. Really? Was he a president?

VAMPIRE: No, he’s the creator of Garfield.

SH: The president?

VAMPIRE: He’s a cat. Orange cat.

SH: How did you get into this? What happened? When did you change?

VAMPIRE: Well, I did some college umping, but you actually have to go to school to do what I do at the major league level. It was a lot of hard work.

SH: How often do people try to stake you in the heart?

VAMPIRE: I like steak, sure. I’m on the Paleo diet, so I eat quite a bit of it, really.

SH: How come when I met you that first time you were out in the sun? Why didn’t you die?

VAMPIRE: Well, now that you bring it up, my father died of skin cancer. So, you know, I was wearing a hat. Just take precaution.

SH: Thank you so much for talking to me.

VAMPIRE: Yeah, sure.

About Zack Newkirk


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