I had the opportunity to meet and interview a real live vampire recently. It was incredible. Pulitzer prize, here I come. Here’s the transcript of our chat.
SAVAGE HENRY: Thank you for meeting with me again. After I met you the first time at the farmer’s market, I was thrilled. I called my editors the second I walked away, and they gave me the green light for this interview immediately. We couldn’t believe our luck.
So. Anyway, wow… You’re real. Tell me about what you do.
VAMPIRE: Yeah, sure, well, you know, I call balls and strikes, I make sure the game’s running at a decent pace, sometimes I have to toss the players or coaches from the game if they argue too much about one of my calls.
SH: How often do you suck human blood?
VAMPIRE: Never. I get my feelings hurt a little sometimes, especially when fans in the stands scream at me all game long.
SH: How old are you? 400? A thousand?
VAMPIRE: No, I’m 38.
SH: Did you ever meet any cool historical figures, like George Washington, or Teddy Roosevelt?
VAMPIRE: Uh, I met Jim Davis at a fundraiser once.
SH: Wow. Really? Was he a president?
VAMPIRE: No, he’s the creator of Garfield.
SH: The president?
VAMPIRE: He’s a cat. Orange cat.
SH: How did you get into this? What happened? When did you change?
VAMPIRE: Well, I did some college umping, but you actually have to go to school to do what I do at the major league level. It was a lot of hard work.
SH: How often do people try to stake you in the heart?
VAMPIRE: I like steak, sure. I’m on the Paleo diet, so I eat quite a bit of it, really.
SH: How come when I met you that first time you were out in the sun? Why didn’t you die?
VAMPIRE: Well, now that you bring it up, my father died of skin cancer. So, you know, I was wearing a hat. Just take precaution.
SH: Thank you so much for talking to me.
VAMPIRE: Yeah, sure.