Ayurvedic Dinoscopes: Your Jurassic Star Sign’s Forecast for 2015

Sam Greenspan, contributor

For the uninitiated, Dinoscopes are an alternative to alternative astrology’s alternative altar for reading the spheres. By consulting carbon data, our shamanic traditions have allowed us to calculate-ish the absolute precise-ish corresponding terrible arcane beast that directly corresponds to your common flavor of star sign. Be ready for an exciting 2015 through the lens of your new(ish)found patronus from the land before time…

Aquarius: Ichthyosaurus
“Slip Slidin’ Away,” mai-tais, and coconut shaped and flavored cocktails await your future like a bounty of unfortunate lesser beings in your path.

Pisces: Two Confused Crocodiles
“Biding my time” will no longer fool anybody. Make a DECISION every once in a while. You’re lucky you’re pretty. Still, invest in something. Seriously.

Aries: Triceratops
You realize that there’s other dinosaurs, right? Take it easy.

Taurus: Ankylosaurus
Your skull still thick and squarely external, it will once again be another great year of convincing you that normal people actually have fun once in a while. Quit thwacking me in the goddamn ankle with your immense club, Sheilah. Nobody’s impressed.

Gemini: Pterodactyl
Gracefully flying one moment, then terrorizing the land the next, your first responsibility in 2015 will be to give everyone a fucking break, ya know? I have feelings, too! Maybe we talk about MINE once in a total fucking while.

Cancer: The Kraken
Your passion and mysterious nature would launch you into a year of untold wonder and delights. If only you weren’t such a scrotum, both in shape and practice.

Leo: Tyrannosaurus Rex
You. I won’t further pet your ego. You will crush it like always. But your selfie game will always be mediocre at best and your Facebook will always just barely slip through the cracks from being labeled “Meh.”

Virgo: Velociraptor
You didn’t get the title of velociraptor for any glory, just business. 2015 will be as grandiose as your lifestyle: hang back till all but one are wounded, then attack that last thing, no sweat. Unfortunately, this thing that year will be “The One,” leaving you devoid of even more love permanently.

Libra: Prehistoric Scales
You’re the Ohio of the zodiac in any interpretation forever. Chin up, whoever you are and whatever you do.

Scorpio: Allosaurus
Powerful, strong, sharp, and much much more of a dick about it than the T-Rex, I guess we’ll all just have to deal with you again, like always, won’t we?

Sagittarius: Stegosaurus
Essentially everyone loves you, and will continue to, and why the hell shouldn’t they? You’re peaceful, optimistic, and dinner plate sharp vertebrae and spike tails ain’t never not ballin. A little more hustle wouldn’t kill you, though… or would it?

 

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