Be a Baller like the Monopoly Man

Spencer Devine, contributor 

You’re at home with a couple of your closest chums, sitting around a generously-sized fireplace sipping cocoas and discussing the latest Archie comic, but someone has an idea! Why doesn’t the group play a friendly game of Monopoly? You all whole-heartedly agree, unaware of the journey of financial depravity you are now facing. Soon you find your battleship has nowhere to dock, your once scenic neighborhood has been developed into a sickening clutter of red and green monoliths of corporate greed, and you never even placed in the beauty pageant.

You have been monopolized, but never again.

I have developed a technique and strategy that has lead me to claim an untarnished record in the world of fictional financial stratagems. Normally this would be a seven-part book series, followed by an auxiliary four books on tape and several companion podcasts, costing you a pretty penny, but not today. Today I offer you a few of the secrets, simple and straightforward, to never go Imaginary broke again.

Most importantly, to be a baller like Monopoly Man, you must appear to be a baller like the Monopoly Man. If you’re playing the game with strangers you can get away with fanciful props like a monocle or a bowtie. How do they know you don’t wear that shit 24/7? If playing with friends, however, your charades will have to be more vague and yet more intricate. Casually mention one or to. Bring out a tray of fancy cheeses with one of those tiny cheese knives. People love tiny cheese knives. Your tactic here is intimidation. Who is going to sweep a property out from under someone with a shiny vintage pocket watch next to their piles of play money? By out gentleman-ing everyone you’ve already morally won your get together.

Although a strategy that outside of the board meets with mixed results, buying fast and going to jail is your Monopoly meal ticket. The Monopoly real estate market is always stable and equally fair to everyone. Seriously, when are you gonna get another chance to experience that? Don’t make “wise investments,” just buy buy buy! He who has 20 crappy properties has more room to play ball than the snob who owns one lot with superior soil quality and access to decent public schools. Once you have your hand of rainbow economic financial dominance, get yourself into jail. Roll too many doubles, land on the policeman, do whatever you have to do to get behind bars. Hell, maybe if you’re enough of a dick to your fellow players they will unanimously vote you to be incarcerated, let them. They can’t take your assets once you’re locked up, in this fanciful capitalist wet dream, being detained has no financial detriment except a $50 fine after your third escape attempt.

Purely hypothetically, let’s say you follow these revolutionary tips and tricks and somehow end up on the losing end of the scoreboard. It’s time for some drastic measures because some whack-ass business is going down. Fake a seizure and take out the game board, sympathy and concern are your last ditch effort before bankruptcy and dishonor.

The full set of tips and tricks are available at Borders stores nationwide, AOL shopping, and the Vallejo City College farmer’s market. Good monopolizing my friends.


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