Ben’s 10 Volume LII: Choose Your Own Song

The enormous elephant you’re riding in a wildlife park in India suddenly squats and takes a 30 pound, violent shit. Right at that moment a man rides by on a bicycle holding a boom box blaring:
a) “Drop It Like It’s Hot” by Snoop Dogg
b) “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
c) “Shake Me Down” by Cage The Elephant

You’re at a job interview and your potential employer is incredibly proper, arrogant, and asking questions in a condescending manner. The following begins to play on repeat in your mind:
a) “Take this Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck
b) “Icepick Lobotomy” by Cannibal Corpse
c) “Funky Boss” by Beastie Boys

You’re on a 12-hour direct flight to Ghana. The person behind you keeps kicking your seat and the flight attendant refuses to bring more drinks on account of your high level of intoxication. In order to calm down, you pull out your iPod and put on:
a) “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” by Neutral Milk Hotel
b) “I Think I’ll Just Stay Here and Drink” by Merle Haggard
c) “Sail Away” by Enya

Your mother-in-law has just walked in on you receiving a “handy” from a Portuguese midget in the restroom at a KFC. You just can’t help but think of:
a) “Dick Almighty” by 2 Live Crew
b) “One Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette
c) “Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead” by the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz

After committing a horrendously violent attack on a police officer while high on PCP, you find yourself standing in front of a judge. You squeeze your butt cheeks together, but cannot stifle the audible fart that frees itself from your anus. It sounds just like:
a) “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground
b) “Metal Machine Music, Part 1” by Lou Reed
c) “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen

When your coworker entered your office this morning you were playing a passionate air guitar and singing at the top of your lungs to:
a) “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
b) “Jump” by Kriss Kross
c) “I’m So Excited” by The Pointer Sisters

You’ve just met an incredibly attractive person at a bar. You’re both fairly intoxicated and head back to your place. It’s obvious there’s a possibility of sexual intercourse, so you head over to your stereo and put on:
a) “Why Don’t We Get Drunk” by Jimmy Buffett
b) “Between the Sheets” by The Isley Brothers
c) “”South of Heaven” by Slayer

On your third date, your love interest puts a disc in their car’s stereo and states, “I just know you’ll love this song and it will dramatically change your life.” They have just selected:
a) “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
b) “Juice to Get Loose Boy” by Vanilla Ice
c) “I Love Rocky Road” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

Your friend Jason drags you against your will to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert. You’re astonished when they start their set with a cover of:
a) “Wonda Why They Call U Bytch” by 2Pac
b) “Stinkfinger” by Limp Bizkit
c) “Shed Your Skin” by Indigo Girls

While you don’t agree, your fiance thinks the following should be “your song”and played during the first dance at your upcoming wedding:
a) “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon
b) “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division
c) “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

Check Also

(anonymous)’s 10 Volume XCIV: Mysterious Anonymously Released Albums

Why release an album anonymously? It could be that the musical content is so fucking …