Ben’s 10 Volume LXIX: Ten Amazing Facts About Christmas in the Stars

By the early ‘80s, the consistently increasing popularity of the Star Wars saga warranted the production of all types of merchandise, even a holiday-themed recording. Christmas in the Stars was released in November of 1980 and was largely sung and narrated by Anthony Daniels, the guy who played C-3PO in the films. After the initial pressing of 150,000, RSO Records went bankrupt, making Christmas In the Stars incredibly valuable to collectors, despite its terrible content. What follows are some fascinating facts about this disastrous project.

Anthony Daniels’ pill and crystal meth addiction was his main motivation for participating in this steaming pile of shit. He later remarked that “doing that awful Christmas album was the worst thing I ever did for money. Even more awful than licking that guy’s b-hole in the bathroom of a fish and chips shop.”  

The record is Bon Jovi’s first professional recording. He’s credited by his birth name “John Bongiovi” on the track “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”

“Merry, Merry Christmas” is the most uninspired, generic piece of monkey shit you’ll ever hear. It’s sung by an annoying chorus of droids and offers no sentiments or content besides the title.

Christmas in the Stars was one of the recording industry’s first digitally recorded and mixed albums. “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)” was only the second digitally recorded song to crack the Billboard charts.

R2-D2 proves he’s a fucking idiot by not knowing what bells are. C-3PO mocks his lack of mental capacity, then proceeds to sing the track “Bells, Bells, Bells” to him, explaining what bells are, how they sound and look.

Chewbacca makes a brief cameo on standout single “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?),” which incredibly made it to No. 69 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

“Sleigh Ride,” is the story of a romantic day in the snow, followed by a sexy evening between C-3PO and R2-D2. Evidently, R2’s cavity usually reserved for Skywalker’s lightsaber makes a nice home for C3-PO’s robot cock. ZIP!

Lead album track “Christmas in the Stars,” sung by C-3PO was evidently inspired by a debaucherous, LSD-fueled holiday weekend spent in a remote area of Tatooine.

“The Odds Against Christmas,” was composed by Maury Yeston, a Yale University music professor. However, the lyric and melody sound more like they were written by a shit-faced Jabba the Hutt, than an esteemed intellectual composer.

Jon Bon Jovi was a janitor at the studio where Christmas in the Stars was recorded. His uncle was the owner.

Final track, “The Meaning of Christmas” is a bat-shit crazy, eight minute classical piece detailing the story of S. Claus (Santa’s son) and his galactic space factory where droids toil continuously to make gifts for children all over the galaxy. I can’t tell if the rambling narration, forgettable singing and classical score is horrific, brilliant, or maybe both.

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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