Ben’s 10 Volume LXXVII: Male Musicians That Should Wear Bikini Tops

1) Notorious B.I.G.

Realizing he needed a little extra support, Big Poppa would often surprise beach-going sunbathers by arriving in a polka dot bikini.

2) Jerry Garcia

As an entrepreneurial-minded individual, Garcia should have cashed in on the Dead-themed male bras and swimwear market.

3) Rupaul

Yup.

4) Jim Morrison (post 1969)

Late in his short career, Morrison began dedicating more of his time to Jim Beam and massaging his fun-bags while adorning them in cute pink tops.

5) Axl Rose

Since 2001, Axl has had much more of an appetitive for cherry pie and cream-filled donuts; destruction, not so much.

6) Meat Loaf

Yes, Bob has bitch tits and that operatic voice emerges from a beluga of a man.

7) Gene Simmons

Narcissistic, shitbag Simmons should spend a portion of his millions to cover those ta-tas when in public.

8) Tad Doyle

Even with a “career” as a meth-smoker, Doyle was unable to shed any of the cellulose off his solid C-cups.

9) Biz Markie

Markie set the fashion world ablaze in 2013 when he revealed his Spring line of male bikini-top swimwear. “Shit, I gotta keep these babies under cover,” he was heard remarking at the premiere.

10) Vinnie Paul

Being the lard ass drummer from Pantera isn’t so bad. Paul was able to add extra percussion by smacking bongos with his DD cups.

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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