Ben’s 10 Volume LXXXI: The Royalty of Rock

We all know that Elvis Presley was the king of rock, and Michael Jackson was the self-proclaimed king of pop, but what about the other nobility in popular music? The following artists have not received the royal titles they deserve. . .until now.

Keith Richards – The King of the Fountain Youth

He may not look it physically, but I swear that wrinkled-up old geezer has been a wild kid his entire life. And just wait, he’s never going to die. Dude is going to start aging in reverse like Benjamin Button.


Yoko Ono – Queen of Noise

While not necessarily the most proficient or pleasant vocalist, Ono’s shrill screams could be labeled “impressionistic.” Her singing is not unlike a wild orangutan having an orgasm and letting the entire jungle know about it.


John Denver – King of Opiate Suppositories

When singing “Rocky Mountain High,” Denver was loaded, alright. He was able to hit the falsetto notes as 30 methadone pills shoved up your bum really serves as an inspiration!


Meatloaf – King of KFC’s Double Down

While KFC was running their “special sandwich” containing two chicken breasts used as buns with bacon and cheese between, Mr. Loaf indulged in 4-5 a day. Already known for his weight issues, the consumption of the sandwich increased his bra size from C to DDD.


James Brown – King of Drunk Driving

The hardest working man in show business also worked hard at getting incredibly intoxicated on numerous substances, then getting behind the wheel. If you ever needed to learn to parallel park while on PCP, Brown was your man.


Dave Mustaine – King of Junkie Republicans

When Megadeth’s frontman finally got sober, he also embraced Christianity and conservative values.


Ann Wilson – Queen of Fish Sticks

The portly lead vocalist from heavy 80’s group Heart just loves fish sticks. . .made from Barracuda! For my money there is not an opening guitar riff in rock music more infectious than the one found in that song.


Janis Joplin – Queen of Pubic Hair

It wasn’t just Joplin’s pits that contained an abundance of hair. Too bad old Bobby McGee wasn’t an esthetician.


Ol’ Dirty Bastard – King of Food Stamps

Well into his rap career, “Big Baby Jesus” was still collecting the means for his supplementary food income. Good for him, as there’s not a lot of money left over when you’ve spent 2.3 million on a set of grills.


Ozzy Osbourne – King of the Piss Fetish

Oz once tried to one up the members of Motley Crue by drinking his own urine after Tommy Lee snorted a line of ants poolside. This level of enthusiasm for pee pee is only rivaled by R. Kelly’s and Donald Trump’s golden shower fetishes.

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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