Ben’s 10 Volume LXXXIII: Musicians Competing in Professional Rose-Growing Contests

While not always known for their green thumbs during their lifetimes, the following artists now have a second career entering rose-growing competitions, their decomposing corpses providing the fertilizer. Let’s check in on some of their recent entries:

Elvis

Similar to John Wayne, Elvis expired with 72 pounds of feces in his colon, earning his roses third place for their impressive brown sheen.

Dimebag Darrell

The Pantera and Damageplan guitarist was so fucking metal, the roses sprouting near his grave are the blackest you’ve ever seen.

Lemmy

The roses entered by the Motorhead frontman not only did not place, but were banned from being displayed in the competition at all. Much like they Motorhead frontman, they were ugly as all hell!

Willie Nelson

Of course Willie’s “honorable mention” roses were green in color, dude smoked the Lazer like a chimney. Oh wait, he’s not dead?

Ronnie James Dio

Despite his best attempts, the most famous skullet-sporting dwarf in metal has not placed in a competition. His roses are never taller than 2 inches high.

Prince

The recently deceased elfin Minnesotan has never lost a contest. His purple velvet breed of rose is exquisite in both color and texture.

Michael Jackson

Although beautiful, the King of Pop’s flowers did not place in his only competition. The judges were all children and not allowed to go near them.

Jerry Garcia

The Dead frontman sprouted up some real beauties; alas, they lost all of their petals as they were as big and heavy as his man-boobies.

Kurt Cobain

Cobain’s rose’s never had a chance, as the petals emerged with numerous needle-puncture holes.

George Michael

I have Faith the recently-deceased vocalist will continue to be victorious in every competition his roses are entered in, as the petals are beautifully rainbow-striped.

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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