Ben’s 10 Volume MCMLVII: The Best Record Singles of the Year

*This article originally ran in the December 1957 issue of Savage Henry Magazine

Like a deadly infectious virus, “rock n’ roll” music has been rapidly spreading and taking over the young, impressionable minds of our country. Just take the Billboard charts this year; the top ten songs were all made by hip-shaking, devil-worshipping reefer addicts. As a service to all parents and concerned citizens, I feel a moral obligation to pass on information about these compositions that pass as “music” these days.

Elvis Presley “All Shook Up”
Arguably the most popular artist of 1957, this young fellow from Memphis seems “All Shook Up,” alright. My theory is that his narcotic consumption elicits such feelings.

Harry Belafonte “Banana Boat (Day-O)”
Belafonte’s Mother is of Jamaican descent. Jamaica is known to be a place known for reefer consumption and Belafonte is obviously no stranger to the drug. How else could you explain this ridiculous tune about fresh fruit?

Everly Brothers “Wake Up Little Susie”
Both Everly Brothers engaged in premarital relations with a young lady named Susie. They will surely be judged by our Lord and banished to an eternity of hell-fire and suffering.

Chuck Berry “School Day”
This popular juke box hit was written by Berry at the age of 42. He was obviously trying to attract the attention of inappropriately young women by singing about his days in school. Sinner!

Everly Brothers “Bye Bye Love”
If you hear this track on your local AM radio, immediately turn the station. It’s been known to elicit impure thoughts, and is performed by two incestous heroin addicts.

Elvis Presley “Jailhouse Rock”
If our justice system works, Presley will spend the rest of his life in jail for the way he shook his hips on the recently broadcast Ed Sullivan program.

The Crickets “That’ll Be The Day”
“‘Cause that’ll be the day when I die” you say, Mr. Holly? On the day you die, you’ll be judged by our Saviour Jesus Christ for corrupting the youth of America with your debaucherous rock n’ roll.

The Champs “Tequila”
No champion I’ve ever met indulges in spirits and plays devil music.

Bobby Darin “Splish Splash”
Teen heartthrob Bobby Darin should take a bath and wash his filthy mouth out with soap. He is constantly spewing an assortment of profanities and needs to be stopped.

Buddy Holly “Peggy Sue”
While he’s been married since the early ‘50s, Holly has committed numerous indiscretions. Peggy Sue is a New York transvestite that Holly had a one night stand with in early ‘57. Avoid his music at all costs.

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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