Ben’s 10 Volume XCII: Letters to Santa from Your Favorite Musicians

The following were intercepted en-route to the North Pole and offer amazing insight into the toys that will make these rockers joyful this holiday season.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a Tickle Me Elmo. I have been a good boy. I want someone small that I can cuddle all the time that will only giggle when I touch them where they pee pee and poo poo, and not take me to court.

– Michael Jackson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa,

I want a My Little Pony purple unicorn with beautiful, pink hair that I can brush and love all the time. I am a good boy.

– Trent Reznor

Dear Santa,

One of my friends told me there is a clock that fits on your wrist? You don’t have to wear a big one around your neck anymore to know what time it is? Please bring me one of these “watches” with Mickey Mouse.

– Flava Flav

Mr. S. Claus,

I am a tired, boring old man and want an awesome Stegosaurus for Christmas. They are more relevant and a younger species than me or my band. I have been good this year and only made love to two of my house pets.

– Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)

Santa,

I want something cute and cuddly to hold each night as I fall asleep while reflecting on how empty and pointless life is. Please bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. My behavior has been perfect this year.

– Marilyn Manson

Mr. Claus,

This year I would like a chemistry set as I am curious… about… chemistry. I want to try to make stuff with chemicals and maybe one day be a chemist studying new medicines when I grow up. Yeah, that’s it… I want to be a chemist. Please bring it to me as my behavior has been exemplary all year.

– Keith Richards

Santa,

My Mommy says I should learn to cook so I can “feed my own fat ass.” I don’t know what that means, but I would like a My Happy Kitchen for Christmas this year. Can you bring it for me? That would make me so happy and I am a good boy.

– Meatloaf

Santa Baby,

If I can’t have you, you sexy beast, I want a Malibu Ken doll. Yummy, his legs are so muscular, his skin is so perfect, and that chest. Please make him anatomically correct as well so I can learn about where boys pee pee. I have been a good girl this year, but just released a shitty new album.

– Taylor Swift

Dear Santa,

I really want a Baby Alive this year. They make piss when they drink water, and you know me, I just love golden showers. This baby doll will make all of my magical holiday urination dreams come true. I have behaved this year, only abusing twelve women, started a cult, and have released amazing music, satisfying millions. Now satisfy me, old man… with pee!

– R Kelly

Santa,

I have been having heart palpitations and would like a My First Medical kit to learn how to help people and their health. I want to be a cardiologist when I am a big boy and help others. I have been good and continued to tour and release the same damn (awesome) song for the last forty years. Make my dreams come true!

– Tom Petty

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

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