Ben’s 10 Volume XCII: Letters to Santa from Your Favorite Musicians

The following were intercepted en-route to the North Pole and offer amazing insight into the toys that will make these rockers joyful this holiday season.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a Tickle Me Elmo. I have been a good boy. I want someone small that I can cuddle all the time that will only giggle when I touch them where they pee pee and poo poo, and not take me to court.

– Michael Jackson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa,

I want a My Little Pony purple unicorn with beautiful, pink hair that I can brush and love all the time. I am a good boy.

– Trent Reznor

Dear Santa,

One of my friends told me there is a clock that fits on your wrist? You don’t have to wear a big one around your neck anymore to know what time it is? Please bring me one of these “watches” with Mickey Mouse.

– Flava Flav

Mr. S. Claus,

I am a tired, boring old man and want an awesome Stegosaurus for Christmas. They are more relevant and a younger species than me or my band. I have been good this year and only made love to two of my house pets.

– Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)

Santa,

I want something cute and cuddly to hold each night as I fall asleep while reflecting on how empty and pointless life is. Please bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. My behavior has been perfect this year.

– Marilyn Manson

Mr. Claus,

This year I would like a chemistry set as I am curious… about… chemistry. I want to try to make stuff with chemicals and maybe one day be a chemist studying new medicines when I grow up. Yeah, that’s it… I want to be a chemist. Please bring it to me as my behavior has been exemplary all year.

– Keith Richards

Santa,

My Mommy says I should learn to cook so I can “feed my own fat ass.” I don’t know what that means, but I would like a My Happy Kitchen for Christmas this year. Can you bring it for me? That would make me so happy and I am a good boy.

– Meatloaf

Santa Baby,

If I can’t have you, you sexy beast, I want a Malibu Ken doll. Yummy, his legs are so muscular, his skin is so perfect, and that chest. Please make him anatomically correct as well so I can learn about where boys pee pee. I have been a good girl this year, but just released a shitty new album.

– Taylor Swift

Dear Santa,

I really want a Baby Alive this year. They make piss when they drink water, and you know me, I just love golden showers. This baby doll will make all of my magical holiday urination dreams come true. I have behaved this year, only abusing twelve women, started a cult, and have released amazing music, satisfying millions. Now satisfy me, old man… with pee!

– R Kelly

Santa,

I have been having heart palpitations and would like a My First Medical kit to learn how to help people and their health. I want to be a cardiologist when I am a big boy and help others. I have been good and continued to tour and release the same damn (awesome) song for the last forty years. Make my dreams come true!

– Tom Petty

About Ben Allen

Ben is a guy that likes music.

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