The following were intercepted en-route to the North Pole and offer amazing insight into the toys that will make these rockers joyful this holiday season.
Please bring me a Tickle Me Elmo. I have been a good boy. I want someone small that I can cuddle all the time that will only giggle when I touch them where they pee pee and poo poo, and not take me to court.
– Michael Jackson
I want a My Little Pony purple unicorn with beautiful, pink hair that I can brush and love all the time. I am a good boy.
– Trent Reznor
One of my friends told me there is a clock that fits on your wrist? You don’t have to wear a big one around your neck anymore to know what time it is? Please bring me one of these “watches” with Mickey Mouse.
– Flava Flav
Mr. S. Claus,
I am a tired, boring old man and want an awesome Stegosaurus for Christmas. They are more relevant and a younger species than me or my band. I have been good this year and only made love to two of my house pets.
– Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)
I want something cute and cuddly to hold each night as I fall asleep while reflecting on how empty and pointless life is. Please bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. My behavior has been perfect this year.
– Marilyn Manson
This year I would like a chemistry set as I am curious… about… chemistry. I want to try to make stuff with chemicals and maybe one day be a chemist studying new medicines when I grow up. Yeah, that’s it… I want to be a chemist. Please bring it to me as my behavior has been exemplary all year.
– Keith Richards
My Mommy says I should learn to cook so I can “feed my own fat ass.” I don’t know what that means, but I would like a My Happy Kitchen for Christmas this year. Can you bring it for me? That would make me so happy and I am a good boy.
If I can’t have you, you sexy beast, I want a Malibu Ken doll. Yummy, his legs are so muscular, his skin is so perfect, and that chest. Please make him anatomically correct as well so I can learn about where boys pee pee. I have been a good girl this year, but just released a shitty new album.
– Taylor Swift
I really want a Baby Alive this year. They make piss when they drink water, and you know me, I just love golden showers. This baby doll will make all of my magical holiday urination dreams come true. I have behaved this year, only abusing twelve women, started a cult, and have released amazing music, satisfying millions. Now satisfy me, old man… with pee!
– R Kelly
I have been having heart palpitations and would like a My First Medical kit to learn how to help people and their health. I want to be a cardiologist when I am a big boy and help others. I have been good and continued to tour and release the same damn (awesome) song for the last forty years. Make my dreams come true!
– Tom Petty