The Best Strains to Name Your Children After

Leslie Small, contributor

 

In this Renaissance of marijuana which we reside in, one wonders just how far the ripple in this pond complied of pot culture will travel. It has successfully leaked into various reaches of our lives, but children’s names? It’s only a matter of time my friends. In the interest of the greater good I’ve compiled a list of strains to name your offspring after, because they don’t need to ever get a real job or anything.

 

Blue Dream – Your child will one day be the perfect hero to eventually battle Blue Ivy, as the Illuminati has empowered her with magic that could end mankind as we know it.

 

Bubba Kush – Let your southern friends know that, while you enjoy the devil’s lettuce, you also vote Republican. Works best with people destined to be fat.

 

Kandy Kush – For when you want your daughter or effeminate son to become a stripper at a venue with a buffet. Bad idea if your last name also starts with the letter K.

 

Trainwreck – Sometimes you’re aware that you’re incapable of creating a human life that won’t be garbage. Own it!

 

Space Queen – Sure, your “doctor” said it was chill to smoke weed during your pregnancy. However, you assumed the alcohol, Molly, and Xanax were acceptable as well. Then you saw that derpy li’l girl pop out and realized that you absolutely shit the bed on this one. Give everyone fair warning in the most regal of ways.

 

Alaskan Thunderfuck – Are you the type of person who loves to watch the world burn? Awesome! Sure, it’s extremely restricting in terms of future school acceptance and general employment, but it’s going to be hilarious on the first day of school and any subsequent day after with a substitute teacher! Do it for the LOLS!

 

AK-48 – If you have the inclination to raise a future gang member and don’t want them to have to actually think of a gang nomenclature, AK-48 is the best choice. Also it’s so much more extra than AK-47 because there’s a whole additional number! Save up for the face tattoos, which they will definitely need.

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