The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff

 

Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to a trucker’s/biker’s orgy that is taking place in the conference room of an abandoned motel. They used to serve continental breakfast here, but now it is used for guys named Jurvis and Thad to swap wives and fluids. There’s nothing wrong with this; in fact, these orgies can be a hell of a lot of fun. However, most of the time in these situations everyone wants to remain anonymous. No one wants to hear someone stand-up in the middle of an orgy and say, “Hey, I know you — you did my taxes this year!”

 

So in an effort to keep you anonymous the next time you feel like freaking off at a craigslist orgy, follow these tips to remain completely anonymous.

 

-BYOM (Bring Your Own Mask)

Don’t just assume a mask will be provided. Your orgy organizers are probably too busy smoking crystal meth to accurately provide everything for everyone.

 

-Don’t Scream Your Name When You Cum

I know this one is hard because it is a basic human instinct to want to scream your own name when you reach climax, but this will definitely blow your cover.

 

-Leave the Business Cards at Home

No matter what they say while they’re inside of you, don’t hand them your business card. Odds are that if you’re surrounded by people who responded yes to an orgy off of craigslist they are not the type of people you want to go into business with.

 

-Bring a Snack for Everybody

You don’t want to be remembered as that one guy who was wolfing down hard boiled eggs all orgy long without sharing. Don’t be a selfish lover; bring enough eggs for everyone.

 

-Don’t Read Your Mail

I know you probably have some mail that you have to get through and bills you have to pay, but orgies are not the time for that. Your name is written all over the envelopes and people don’t want papercuts on their hoohas.

 

-Don’t Share Your 23 & Me Results

No one wants to hear your ancestry anyway, but even if they did, they would for sure know who you are after they read your 23 & Me results. It is basically a DNA profile.

 

-Your Social Security Number is Not a Good Safety Word

Not only does it take forever to say out loud but it is also some deeply personal information that you should most likely be keeping to yourself.

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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