Which Biblical Disaster Will Befall Upon You?

1. You meet a really cute/hot guy/girl at the bar/party/rest stop, and you think that things are really going well based on this first impression. Do you:

  1. Channel your inner Carly Rae Jepsen, do something crazy, and give him/her your phone number, maybe?

  2. Invite this person to Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner and introduce to this person to all of your friends and family?

  3. Invite this person back to your place for some slap and tickle, or conversely, suggest that the two of you go to their place because your parents/roommates don’t like it when you bring people over real late

  4. Call your sponsor

2. What’s that smell?

  1. Burning

  2. Me

  3. Apologies are in order

  4. It’s a lovely casserole I put in the oven a while ago, thanks for asking

3. When you think of all the way you’d like to kick the bucket, the one that most suits you is:

  1. Natural causes

  2. Old West shootout

  3. Tuberculosis

  4. Having a building fall on you because Superman and General Zod keep making a mess when they fight.

4. The world is going to end in a few days. What do you do with your time left?

  1. Call all of your friends and family. Say your goodbyes. Do some crying and shit.

  2. Make amends with everyone you’ve wronged/everyone who has wronged you. Dying with your heart at ease sounds pretty rad.

  3. Act as though nothing were different and carry on with your day as per usual.

  4. Go on a hedonistic spree that would likely infect you with all sorts of STDs, UTIs, ODs, and BBQs, but who cares, because the world is ending and Matthew McConaughey cannot save you.

5. If your love life were like a book of the Bible, the closest it’d be is:

  1. Psalms, because it has tons of chapters and most of them involve yelling “Oh God!” a bunch of times.

  2. Revelations, because your exes keep calling you the Antichrist.

  3. Obadiah, because it’s really short and no one remembers it.

  4. Genesis, because you like to blame women for everything.

 

Ok, let’s add it up!

For every “A” you answered get 0 points
For every “B” you answered get 1 point
For every “C” you answered get 2 points
For every “D” you answered get 3 points
If you scored 0-3 points, you are Lot. So not only will be you be seduced by your daughters, but your wife will be turned into a pillar of salt when she disobeys an angel. This actually isn’t so bad, seeing how this was an era where salt was a precious commodity that was practically used as a form of currency. Not only have you gotten rid of the old ball and chain, but you can use her corpse to buy that Playstation 4 you’ve been eyeing.

If you scored 4-6 points, you are afflicted by the Angel of Death! Since you’re probably a selfish only child, you’re therefore the oldest, and will not be spared the harbinger of death. You shoulda painted some goat blood on your door or something. I dunno how these things work.

If you scored more than 6 points, you’re being sent to Bible camp! Yes, your parents think you need some of that ole time religion. Get ready for a week of “Harry Potter is a Warlock” seminars, Republican spirituality workshops, and lots of Christian side hugs!

 

 

About Josh Duke

Josh is an editor for Savage Henry Independent Times, He resides in Arcata, CA. When not performing stand up comedy or performing improv with Random Acts of comedy, you can follow him on Twitter @BonusMcHustle

Check Also

Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor   OPPODY All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It …