Bitter Police Forces Drop New “Fuck the Public” EP

Sam Greenspan, contributor

After years of being accused of every ill in the nation on a ground level while still being called upon to help out and get their hands dirty whenever an actual problem is present, the United States’ police forces, from coast to coast, decided to express their collective woes by dipping their feet in the cleansing waters of the arts.

In a star-studded response to NWA’s “Fuck tha Police” single from the late 80s, and produced by Wyclef Jean, noted anti-philanthropist and well known anti-giver of fucks, the EP features police chiefs and beat cops from all across the country providing the rollicking five track album with the intense fervor of police who have simply had it up to here with serving the public.

“I was like, your little gang is cute,” said Des Moines Sheriff Michael Hooven, “but you wanna know a real gang? Look no further. I’m talking cover-ups, framing, book-burning, record destruction… shit. I mean, you think the criminals are fucking things up? We ruin peoples lives daily. Wanna see what can happen to you if you’re caught with a joint in the south? Go ahead try it. Try and flex nuts on us.”

Aside from criminal legality, different reasons for the amazing artistry present on the record are representative of different angles. Take Los Angeles patrolman Ben Dobbs, who stated candidly, “I really just have my feelings hurt when I get a call for a domestic disturbance that people have been listening to all night, and then I show up to do something about it, and then people either try and kill me, or say that I’m the enemy when some guy is clearly beating the shit out of their spouse. It’s like, do you want help or not? Fuck. What, are you gonna call a firefighter when someone’s breaking into your home? Probably not, because they just show up when something is on fire.”

The EP is set to drop later this year on iTunes, early reviews have called the title track, “Fuck the Public” a scorching and awkward opus. No need to purchase the album. It’ll come out of your tax dollars.

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