Break These Rules

Lucy Castle, contributor

Hey, boys and girls! These are rough seas that you’re sailing in, and just when you think you’re starting to figure it all out, you get more rocks and canals and seaweed to navigate. Pay attention and break these rules.

Coffee Is Bad For You — No, it’s not. A cup of coffee or black tea in the morning or afternoon might just get your butt to school on time or help you focus on homework. Knock it off with the $5 Starbucks Frappuccino, though. That’s not coffee. It’s your lunch money with whipped cream.

Masturbation is For Freaks — If humans weren’t supposed to touch themselves in their underwear place, we wouldn’t be able to reach it. Don’t do it in public or with others without their permission.

Condoms Are For Dirty People — Absolutely not. Condoms are for anyone who’s having any kind of male/female, male/male, female/female with toys sex, and the majority of people who are “16 and Pregnant” or “45 and Pregnant” or “18 with an STD” don’t get a reality show.

Chores are Stupid — If that’s your rule, break the crud out of it. Try to change things up. If you’re tired of doing dishes, ask if you can split firewood or help with dinner. Walk the dog around the neighborhood and let it poop in others’ yards so you don’t have to pick it up from yours. Get creative!

My Friends are Kinda Drunk, But They’re My Ride — Nope. They aren’t your ride. I am. Call me. Any hour. I will either bring you and your friend home to your thankful parents, or you can sleep on the extra futon with the farty dog.

And don’t sleep in your shoes at a party if you don’t want penises and swear words drawn on your face in Sharpie. Love You!

 

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