Breakfast in Bed

Isaac Kozell, contributor

Doctors, nutritionists and loving mothers all agree that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Despite that, nearly 40% of adult Americans skip breakfast altogether. Starting your day off with a hearty meal has many benefits including improved energy, sharper brain function, weight loss and better karate skills. If you’re missing First Meal, you’re missing out. One way to get on the path to becoming a regular morning meal muncher is to combine breakfast with something enjoyable, like sex. We’ve compiled a list of the most popular breakfast foods and paired them with sex acts that are sure to get your metabolism turnt all the way up.

Cereal – Whether it’s Captain Crunch, Cheerios or Kashi Honey Sunshine Squares, cereal makes for a super sexy treat. Just sprinkle your favorite bite-sized bits all over your lover’s body and Pac-Man that shit like there’s no tomorrow.

Donuts – Bring backyard fun into the bedroom with a game of ring toss. Bonus points for behind-the-back and blindfolded throws. (Warning: Avoid heavy donuts.)

Cold Pizza – Got some leftovers from last night’s Netflix binge? Grab a slice and tease your partner’s nipples with it. Or, slap it over your junk for a fun, edible undergarment.

Pancakes – Sex can be hard on the joints. Pancakes make excellent knee pads and elbow rests.

Sausage Links – Put them in some holes.

Fruit – Feed each other grapes, play catch with some strawberries, fist a watermelon. No fruit is forbidden in the bedroom.

Bacon – Everything is better with bacon. Pick the sex thing you hate the most, add bacon and – VOILA! – it’s your new favorite sex thing.

Eggs – Put them in a butt.


About Isaac Kozell

Isaac Kozell is a New Orleans based Writer and Standup Comedian. He spends his spare time skateboarding, gardening, and reminiscing about that one time back in '99 when he was invited onstage to perform with the band Sugar Ray.

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