Bristling with Excrement (Fair Trade)

William Toblerone, contributor


Can I tell you how I got this emotional support squirrel? No! Can I tell you where we left the golf cart? Hella No! Can I tell you if the iRobot Roomba 890 is better than the Hoover Quest 700?  Hold my beer. Now hold my syringes.


I’m not going to just check Consumer Reports. Fake reports. I don’t trust them because every article is about ding dongs and penis cocks. No, this one shall be handled personally. The Tobleroney Award for Best Robot Vacuum will be determined by letting these two brands battle it out in an exciting suck-off on a filthy wool carpet. But how to get it filthy?


First, we call on the invaluable assistance of California’s Innovative Youth Probation Camp.  They hate wool carpet. It reminds them of sheep, which most likely got them in trouble in the first place. So they come in and spend four days meticulously staining the carpet with koala dung (fair trade), applied with electric toothbrushes. Gross!


Next, we introduce a five gallon bucket of Amtrak Chili! Are we going to pour it on the carpet?  Fucka No! We trade it at a flea market for something even more disgusting: An equal amount of unfiltered tap water with fluoride! Then we empty the tap water all over the wool carpet, coating it with rancid fluoride. Not only is it dirty, but the government is controlling its little wool mind.  Gross!


Next we give the carpet the final insult. We rub all 26 pages of the script from Dead Poets Society into it, face down with a lawn seeder. We cover the carpet three times so that the dialogue really sinks in. Shitta Gross!


It’s time to see which carpet-sweeping android is truly the best. Could it be the iRobot “Low and Round” Roomba 890? Or the challenger: Hoover “Short and Circular” Quest 700? Which one could attack the mucky carpet with the most veracity?


We never found out, because Ricky Martin showed up, literally out of nowhere, and assured us the Roomba is better. We trust Ricky, and so should you. He even had a little dance that went with his review. I don’t think it was his best dance, but I wasn’t going to say anything.

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