A Broke Girl’s Guide to Being a Rich Bitch

Maya Schubert, contributor

Problem: Expensive Drinks

There is no way I’m going to pay 12 dollars for some drink that’s mostly watered down juice. I don’t go out to sip my drink and have a few laughs with friends, I want to wake up the next morning wearing a grass skirt on the floor of a stranger’s house (sans a notification from my bank that I exceeded my $200 limit). So how can you still go out to the bars without spending a dime? Here’s the trick to navigating around the bill:  Every day is your birthday! All you’ll need to do is wear a crown and sash, then walk in yelling “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHEZZ”. You are guaranteed to get a least two to four free drinks, then repeat three times at different bars.

Problem: Streaming Services

We all know that easiest way to watch your favorite Netflix or Amazon shows without actually paying for it is to use a friend’s or ex’s password, but that won’t last forever. When the new season of Orange is the New Black hits Netflix and you’ve been watching for eight straight hours that person will notice, because let’s face it, you’re in an open relationship. Chances are if they’ve given that password out to you they’ve also given it out to everyone who’s asked, and when they’re blocked out of their two screen plan you’re going to get the ‘ol heave ho. The trick? Get multiple passwords from multiple friends and switch back and forth. It may seem like more work, but you’ll be thanking yourself later when your friend tells you they had to ask someone to stop using their Netflix account (see, I told you it was an open relationship). So sit back, relax, and find out what kind of shit Piper’s going to pull this season .

Problem: Keeping Up with the Joneses

Six dollar asparagus water? Vampire facial? Who can actually afford that shit? But hey, I still want it. Don’t get me wrong, I think the people who are seriously into that stuff sometimes need a swift kick, but if I hear some girl talking to her friend about a bobcat piss cleanse she went on you bet I’m going to check it out. The trick to keeping up? Be on the other side of it all. Bottle your own asparagus and sell it for eight dollars. Vampire facial? Nobody really knows what it is, they only know that Kim Kardashian posted a photo of it on Instagram. Just give someone a regular facial then spread some fake blood on there. They’ll never know the difference! Then take all that money that you made and spend it on something important. Like the bobcat piss cleanse.

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