Broke Motherfucking Ricks Almanac

Josh Argyle, staff

 

Most historians will tell you that Poor Richard’s Almanac was written and published by Benjamin Franklin. They will also tell you that it contains information about weather patterns, farming tips, and philosophic ramblings. However, most historians won’t tell you that, like most things in history, Benjamin Franklin stole this idea from a lesser-known farmer. Until recently this information was thought to be lost, but it is now uncovered and made public. We at Savage Henry Magazine present to you an excerpt from Broke Motherfucking Rick’s Almanac.

 

Weather: When it is cloudy don’t wear a tank top. Seriously, you look like a tool. It is 55 degrees out and you can’t be bothered with sleeves? Get the fuck outta here! Every grown man wearing a tank top in cloudy weather looks like he’s going to or coming back from a crime. Either get some sleeves or steal a BMX bike and complete the outfit.

Weather: Wear shorts! Like all the time!  No matter what the weather. Some people will question your decision, but is there anything worse than on a rainy day having the cuffs of your jeans get wet? Not a problem in shorts. Shorts don’t have cuffs. Also, if you wear shorts you are always ready for a game of pickup basketball. No one likes the guy who plays in his jeans and plays D like a bitch.

Farming: For the love of Christ, stop it with the zucchinis already. Zucchinis are just 3rd-string cucumbers. But what about zucchini bread?  Zucchini bread stinks! It is the worst of all the vegetable and fruit breads. Fuck-Marry-Kill Pumpkin Bread, Banana Bread, and Zucchini Bread. If you said anything other than kill zucchini bread you are a goddamned liar.

Farming: Corn mazes are less fun than you think. Everyone loves a good corn maze until they are trapped in one. Then it is a nightmare. There is no dignified way as an adult to be lost in a corn maze. Your only choices are to let some snot-nosed 10-year-old kid named Parker or Devin lead you out to freedom, or you can try to convince someone that the world as descended into a nuclear wasteland and the only thing that makes sense in times like these is to have sex in a corn maze.

Philosophy: If a man is nicknamed “Cooter” he can fix anything in your house. If a man is nicknamed “Cooter” he can also steal everything in your house. Life is all about balance. Also maybe don’t give a guy named Cooter your address.

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website josh-argyle.com for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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