Adam Jacobs, contributor
Why don’t more people wear capes?
Royals have it down. Get yourself a nice, fancy cape and you’ll never be cold or unfashionable. And imagine vaping in a cape! Oh boy! Believe me, you want to vape in a cape. I’m tired of these pesky sleeves always getting in my way. I’m here to put my allegiance behind capes and declare war against sleeves in general.
I think there must be a cape conspiracy going on, because I honestly don’t know why they aren’t more popular. Look at who actually wears a cape: royalty, Elvis, superheroes, James Brown, pretentious college professors, Severus Snape, Darth Vader, Sherlock Holmes, and Dracula. That list seems pretty good to me. Who is behind this conspiracy? Why are capes not more popular, yet every numbskull in a trucker hat just happens to own multiple coats? I’ll venture a guess that the city of Burlington and their mysterious coat factory may have something to do with this particular controversy.
Now I don’t want to ruffle any feathers over there at L.L. Bean or Burberry, so I’ll just stick to the facts. Capes are a perfect article of clothing and they deserve the proper respect. They give you so much more freedom than a coat, and they exude a sense of class and sophistication. Why wouldn’t you want to dress like a king going to a royal ball? Get that hand out there and wave to your loyal subjects; you deserve it.
A cape allows your arms to be free for any activity you could imagine without the constant distraction of sleeves. Have I mentioned my disdain for sleeves? They keep you confined and literally strapped into your shirt like a caged lion who just wants to get free. Set that big cat free, poppa; let your primal self scream and howl at the moon. Cut the literal and figurative strings on yourself and lose the sleeves. Jump on this cape trend and you might as well vape just so you can vape in a cape.
Throw away your jackets, cut off your sleeves and free yourself from the mental slavery that are sleeves. If you want to unite our country, I say get rid of the sleeves that bind you and celebrate with a cape.
Look towards our heroes like Superman, Batman, Queen Elizabeth, and Elvis mutha fucking Presley, who all wore capes and are better because they didn’t have sleeves weighing them down. Capes are the future and the past all at the same time. Free the arm and embrace the cape.