William Toblernone, contributor
In this week’s installment I sat down with Daniel Nadolski Jr, one of the stars of There Goes My Baby, the hugely popular 26th installment in the Baby Einstein early learning video series. I caught up with this refreshing 13-month-old talent at his private playground in Claremont, CA.
CW: Daniel, everyone seems to agree that you truly captivated the imagination of infant America from your first appearance on the screen. When the rattle you were holding began singing a slow jazz version of Eddie Money’s “Baby Hold On To Me,” even though I knew it was only special effects, the aura of genuine surprise you conveyed made me believe crooning baby toys might be real. How does someone with so little experience bring so much depth to this role?
DN: You gots doody head.
CW: Seriously? Thank you for letting me know. I’ll bet it’s from that flock of geese that flew over earlier. I can’t really feel anything though. Is there a mirror around? Maybe you could you point to…
DN: (Squealing Laughter)
CW: What the [expletive]? Were you LYING!!?? You made that whole thing up about the bowel movement on my head just to entertain yourself? You [expletive]!! That figures. Apparently lying is your specialty. Like how your mom told me that you were pretending to be a “puppy car” when I walked in. Guess what, you little mistake! We both knew you were full of [expletive]. There’s no such thing as a [expletive] puppy car!! And don’t think your mom doesn’t know that, you dirty deceiver. Doody on MY head? You should pay attention to your own business, because you’re oozing excrement from every side of that diaper. That Huggies box says their diapers accommodate a 10-20 pound baby, not 10-20 pounds of manure. You must have eaten a full bucket of Gerber Diarrhea to produce this sludge. Stop eating diarrhea!! You had better hope your mom bought tarp sized industrial baby wipes. And you claim I have doody on…
DN: Doodinana, ga.
CW: Oh, excellent choice of words there little genius. Are you quoting Socrates? Your head is so large yet so empty. Baby Einstein? Don’t bother; you’d better set your sights on something lower, like maybe Baby Adam Sandler. And I’m not impressed by the “Grandma Loves Me” shirt. Guess what? Everybody’s grandmother loves them. If she respected you she would replace that shirt with a new one that’s not stained with a hundred varieties of puke and spittle. Oh, by all means, please pull another massive dumpling out of your nose to snack on.
DN: Ruff! Ruff! Zoooooooom.
CW: I’ve had just about enough of this. I walked out here to conduct a serious interview. And by the way, I walked here without falling once. Take note. Every time you try to stumble 3 feet it looks like you are trying to travel during a 9.2 earthquake. Honesty, watching you “walk” makes me seasick. You just seem unsteady and altogether sickly. I think when they were handing out vaccinations you thought they said vacations and you tried to crawl away to a Sandals Resort. Keep your distance.
DN: Doody puppy.
CW: Yes, very clever. You’re so high and mighty. I know you like to rock-a-bye in the tree tops so you can look down on everyone else. But one day when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. Then where you be, huh? Where will you be when the cradle falls? Doody on my head, huh? Oh go ahead, run to mommy’s arms and cry.