Articles

Bad Threats: How to Talk Like a Tough Guy

When mano a mano violence is imminent, you’ve got to say the right thing to make your opponent quake in fear. Try these on for size next time you’re putting up your dukes: “There’s gonna be two hits, pal: me hitting you, then me hitting the floor” “Buddy, you’re gonna feel real guilty when I succumb to my injuries” “Hope …

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Six Beers Deep – Founder’s All Day IPA

Founders All Day IPA Founders Brewing Company ABV: 4.7% Hey all! After a few months of rest and relaxation(rehab), I’m back(relapsing) to treat you with a summary of my experience with this beer after my brief hiatus(intervention). So let’s go! First: Just to remind you all, I’m not the biggest IPA fan, but I’ve found a certain amount of enjoyment …

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The Worst Song in Human History: Shopping from A to Z

Keith Bergman, contributor In 1982, choreographer-turned-singer Toni Basil was riding high on the success of “Mickey,” a gigantic worldwide pop hit and a genuinely great piece of bubblegum songwriting. Eager to strike while the iron was hot, her label released another single from her “Word of Mouth” album. Though it sported a cover of the David Essex hit “Rock On” …

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7 THINGS YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Everyone’s got a bucket list for you these days. Well, I have one for you as well. This stuff is mandatory: 1) CLEAN YOUR ROOM It’s getting really messy. The laundry hamper is there for a reason, OK? And what’s with the dishes? Why are there dishes in here?   2) FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK I’m not going to tell you …

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I’m Sorry to Hear About Your Mother, What Size Shoes Did She Wear?

The only time trickle down economics actually works is when a wealthy person dies and their children, off being rich somewhere themselves, tell the movers to donate all of their dead parent’s clothing to the Hospice Thrift Shop before they put the house on the market. Hooray! Chances are these wealthy folks visited Ireland at some point and bought a …

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This SHITs for Reels – The Weed Edition

Stand-up comedian Doug Benson gets Super High Me (2007) in this Big Mac-inspired potumentary. Cameras follow as he quits nugs for 30 days, medically tests his physical, psychological and mental abilities and performs comedy. He then does 30 days super fucking baked from waking to bed while looking at racism, stoner cheetahs and the medical marijuana industry. Stoner buds since …

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Why My Daughter Thinks Walgreens Is a Grocery Store

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Unless it’s for me, I really hate shopping. I don’t like standing or walking, I’d much rather be sitting somewhere playing on Facebook. I also hate long lines, I actually hate any kind of line, or any kind of waiting. I’m the worst kind of grown-up. I look like a grown-up, but I’m not the kind of …

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Remembering That Time You Accidentally Did Dabs Because Moms Make Mistakes Too

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Once upon a time, in a land called Arcata, California, an exceptionally lovely, smart, funny mother of two took the word “dabs” and incorrectly assumed that it related to the traditional meaning of the word: Dab noun A small amount of something. “She licked a dab of chocolate from her finger” Synonyms: Drop, spot, smear, splash, speck, …

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Gender Neutral “Women Be Shopping” Jokes

So you’re out hanging with some friends and you have a great joke you want to tell them. You get all the way through the joke and instead of cracking up all your friends they look horrified. Uh oh, your joke wasn’t funny; it was stupendously offensive! This is a scenario that happens to all of us. Are you tired …

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Red Pill, Blue Pill, Purp

OJ Patterson, contributor The cylinder’s milky smoke evaporated into a spike, jabbing, piercing, probing until Neo found himself in an all white room. Only two beat-up armchairs and an old timey television in “middle” of the “room” interrupted the emptiness. “This is the Construct,” announced Morpheus, stepping from behind a cloud of smoke. “It’s our loading program. We can load …

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