Articles

Inspector Confessions

Matt Redbeard, contributor   Hormel Chili Inspector 3 Hope you like rat beef.   Dreyer’s Ice Cream Inspector 12 That weird “Air Bubble” in the middle is from my nut sack.   Hanes Underwear inspector 72 I shit in all your underwear.   Saw Mass Market DVD inspector 69 I make sure the case doesn’t have the right sequel number, …

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Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor   OPPODY All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It was a constant. I would literally wake up inside of some sweet p every morning and literally blow (jerk off motion) at least 12 or 13 ropes, I mean pure ecstasy. I had a big bushy beard and it alway reeked to high heaven of …

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The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff   Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to a trucker’s/biker’s orgy that is taking place in the conference room of an abandoned motel. They used to serve continental breakfast here, but now it is used for guys named Jurvis and Thad to swap wives and fluids. There’s nothing wrong with this; in fact, …

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Who Are the Most Famous Anonymous Figures of All Time?

Cornell Reid, staff   There are are a lot of famous people who are anonymous. Banksy, Daft Punk, Jack the Ripper, Jon Lovitz. Who are these people really?   They cleverly do a fantastic job of hiding their true identity so that fans celebrate a symbol rather than an actual person or people.   Thousands of people have tried to …

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Anonymous Sex Poems

Meghan Deponceau, contributor Anonymous Sex Is good Because when you only sleep around casually, with strangers, you don’t care what they think of all the crumbs on your bed.   Show Me on the Doll Where you want me to touch you Because you doll collection is creepy and if we start having sex I won’t have to look at …

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Super Bowl LII Recap: Now with More Hitler

Zack Newkirk, staff   The Super Bowl happened recently. It was a game between the Evil Empire of the NFL, the New England Patriots, and the Not That Great But In The Playoffs Anyway Because That’s How Far The Quality Of The League Has Fallen of the NFL, the Philadelphia Eagles.   It’s hard to get upset when the rich …

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New Ways to Get High

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor   We see it every year: whip-its, bath salts, duster, airplane glue. Well, another year has come and gone, and with it desperate teens have found more, out-of-the-box ways to get high. Here are just a few of 2017’s most popular fads for getting fucked up.   Cartin’ By destroying cartilage in the external ear or nose, …

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How I Survived Dry January

William Toblerone, Contributor   Back in December, I quit drinking altogether. By day three, my lips were cracked, my skin shriveled, and my senses began to deteriorate. On the fourth day, when I started to hallucinate that I was physically unattractive, I knew something was horribly wrong. The emergency room doctor explained to me that it is unwise to give …

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I Anonymously Sold My Kids for a Car

Tiffany Greysen, contributor   Okay, so not really, but I did “donate” my eggs, and with the money that I received I bought a brand new car.     I don’t talk about my egg donation much, mostly because I forget that I did it, but it really did help take care of a few things that I wouldn’t have …

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Top 10 Jobs at Which to Wear Your Luchador Mask

Zeke Herrera, staff   Who the fuck says only wrestlers can wear luchador masks? Fucking losers, that’s who! Here’s other places you wear that mask while gettin’ that guap and that guac.   Bank Teller Handing people cash all day can be tedious work except when the credit cards interest rate is a Boston Crab and the overdraft fees are …

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