Articles

It’s Actually Just Steve

Gage Hensley, contributor While Steven Gray’s body was being coldly escorted out of his beautiful one-bedroom apartment, a relative (actually a family friend who everyone calls Aunt Cathy even though know one admits to inviting her into their lives) stumbled across Steve’s sad fantasy novel he wrote for himself. In this fan fiction narrative of his life, Steve didn’t waste …

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Tattoo Orders Things

Do you guys remember Tattoo from the hit 80’s television program Fantasy Island? Well, we do, and here are some transcripts of his common daily interactions.   Bagel Store Clerk: Hello Mr. Tattoo, welcome to Fantasy Island Bagels, what kind of bagel can I get started for you? Tattoo: De Plane! De Plane! Clerk: Would you like cream cheese, or …

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If We Never Landed on the Moon

Zeke Herrera and Chris Durant, staff We hear a lot of talk about Neil Aldrin punching out some guy who was all yelling at him about the Moon Landing being fake and shot by Francis Ford Coppola on the set of Star Wars or something. Well that ne’er-do-well is a really piece of shit, and stupid to boot, ‘cause if …

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My Fantasy

Buttercup The Horse – translated by Cornell Reid I wish I was a horse. I mean, I am a horse, but I wish I was a different horse. I live in an alternate universe where horses can use computers. Hooves are usually pretty dope but when it comes to operating most laptops in your universe we’re shit out of luck. …

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Deleted Scenes from Disney’s Fantasia

We all love Disney’s 1940 cinematic masterpiece Fantasia. A perfect blend of classical music with Disney’s signature animation, featuring some of Disney’s most beloved characters. But not all the scenes that were drawn and choreographed made it into the final cut of the film.   Donald Duck was featured in a piece set to Saint-Saëns’ Danse Macabre that critics all …

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Magic Tricks to Amaze Your Tripping Friends

Scott Simpson, contributor Find The Card Requires: A deck of cards “Pick a card, any card. Be sure to remember it, now put it back in the deck. OK, is this your card? The Queen of Clubs? No? Are you sure, because look at the queen’s face. Keep looking. Who does she remind you of? Exactly.”   The Disappearing Dollar …

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Funny Things to Say When Someone Trips While Walking

“Why you trippin’?” “See you next fall!” “Logan dies in the end!” “Your mom ate your placenta!” “What’s with the gravitational pull around your facial area in relation to the flat surface you are trying to remain affixed to only with your feet?” “Even in the valley of the shadow of death, two and two do not make six.” “It’s …

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Magic Tricks for the Blind

Hello, Montreal School for the Blind! Who’s ready for some magic tricks, huh? Yeah! My name is Zack, I’ll be your magician today. Welp, bibbity bobbity boo, let’s get to the magic! 1) OK, so I just take this rabbit here — yeah, you can feel it, go ahead — you too, sure — OK, then I put him in …

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Other Things To Lick To Get High

Staff Willie Nelson’s Balls The Inside of Dr. Foxmeat’s Mouth Pull Cord on the Bus Any CD by 311 Banana Slugs Rat Piss The Color Green Jerry Garcia Your Cousin Greg’s Tie-Dyed Shirt A Moose Any Rock The Carnival The Roof of a Dog’s Butthole Any and All Blood Air Horn from any Reggae Festival Pop Rocks The Palm of …

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How To Make Sure You Have A Good Trip

So you’re going to try hallucinogens. Great! But you’re a little scared because you’ve heard a lot of news stories about people having bad trips and doing kooky stuff! There was that one guy that ripped his nuts off, then there’s that other guy who cut his nuts off, oh and I almost forgot about the guy that chopped his …

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