Articles

Tofurky or Tofuckyou?

Tiffany Greysen, contributor On October 13, 2015 I decided to take a swing at eating vegan. Not because I was going to give up my new purse — I really love my leather purse— it’s really nice and still has that new purse smell. I also like shoes, and make-up. I know that some make-up is made from clubbed baby …

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Door-to-Door Meatman

Scott Bowser, contributor Meat tastes great.  Be careful, though. I was once a door-to-door meat salesman and it sucked. I showed up to headquarters the first day but I smelled like beer and got sent home.  Also the manager told me to make sure I was wearing shorts the next day when I showed up to work or I would …

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Things That Are in Sausage

Ever wonder what’s really in sausage? We peeled back the casing to give you the facts. – A mother’s love. A particular mother, Beth, from Riverside, who has admitted to spending the diaper money on cheap lingerie at Target. – The copy of Derrida’s The Animal That Therefore I Am you bought to impress the girl who it turned out …

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Mmm, Sex – Op-Ed

(Editor’s note: every so often, we let one of our editors speak his [or her!] mind in our hallowed pages. This month, it’s the trusted opinion of our Man of Letters, Zack Newkirk) Oh yeah, baby. You guys like the sex? Yeah, me too. So good! I have two kids, so I have to have had sex at least twice, …

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How to Survive a Winter Beer Festival

The Summer is gone and with it is the beer festival season that we lay our livers on the line for, year after year. But to tide us over until next year, we occasionally get to keep ourselves warm with a few tasting festivals that don’t quite fit the norm. For field research into this matter, I was invited to …

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Red Panda Pot Pie

C.B. Kelly, contributor If you’ve never had the pleasure of putting panda meat in your mouth, then let me tell you… Wait, let me rephrase that. If you’ve never had a panda killed for the teasing of your taste buds’ every whim, then let me tell you, you are throwing away the very taste of freedom, and everything that our …

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This SHITs for Reels – Meat Edition

Michel Sargent, Staff Opening shot: A knife slices a huge slab of meat to the sound of an institutionalized man screaming about The Mad Butcher (1971) (aka Meat is Meat). Story: Just de-booby-hatched smug self-proclaimed “best butcher” in town finds great way to dispose of human bodies, makes a killing with his new sausage cart. A sexless couple are running …

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A Carnivore’s First Experience with Vegetarian Meats

Ever since I told my doctor to shove a veggie dog up his ass for suggesting I eat less red meat, I’ve felt a little bad — and it’s not just the constant gastric pain and the screwed-up gallbladder, either. So I went to my local hot dog establishment, a place known for cooking the finest tube steak in town. …

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Meat, My Only True Friend – A Love Letter

Adam Jacobs, contributor I’m no scientist, but if the old rumor that John Wayne died with over 40 pounds of undigested meat impacted in his bowels was true then that must mean meat was his best friend, ‘cause it never left his side. Wow, man, that’s some deep shit, literally. That meat poo was John Wayne’s only true friend and …

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Blessed are the Beasts: An Undercover Investigation

William Toblerone, contributor When Savage Henry offered me an exclusive assignment to collaborate with PETA, investigating the cruelty that pervades corporate meat production, I was overjoyed. I have loved the brave work that PETA has done for many years. I love it so much that my family calls me a PETAphile. I was able to convince Felcher Meats to hire …

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