Articles

This SHITs for Reels – Meat Edition

Michel Sargent, Staff Opening shot: A knife slices a huge slab of meat to the sound of an institutionalized man screaming about The Mad Butcher (1971) (aka Meat is Meat). Story: Just de-booby-hatched smug self-proclaimed “best butcher” in town finds great way to dispose of human bodies, makes a killing with his new sausage cart. A sexless couple are running …

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A Carnivore’s First Experience with Vegetarian Meats

Ever since I told my doctor to shove a veggie dog up his ass for suggesting I eat less red meat, I’ve felt a little bad — and it’s not just the constant gastric pain and the screwed-up gallbladder, either. So I went to my local hot dog establishment, a place known for cooking the finest tube steak in town. …

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Meat, My Only True Friend – A Love Letter

Adam Jacobs, contributor I’m no scientist, but if the old rumor that John Wayne died with over 40 pounds of undigested meat impacted in his bowels was true then that must mean meat was his best friend, ‘cause it never left his side. Wow, man, that’s some deep shit, literally. That meat poo was John Wayne’s only true friend and …

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Blessed are the Beasts: An Undercover Investigation

William Toblerone, contributor When Savage Henry offered me an exclusive assignment to collaborate with PETA, investigating the cruelty that pervades corporate meat production, I was overjoyed. I have loved the brave work that PETA has done for many years. I love it so much that my family calls me a PETAphile. I was able to convince Felcher Meats to hire …

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Sports Gambling Podcast Column

Sean Green, columnist We can all agree that when it comes to breaking down the food pyramid, that meat is the clear favorite. Fruits and vegetables are out, for obvious reasons, and grains have their moments, but meat is a consistent winner year after year. As we all know, though, not all meats are created equal, so here are my …

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Sam the Butcher’s Favorite Cuts of Meat

Hi. When Alice comes into my shop to buy the meat for that Brady family, who work her like a damn Filipino I saw in those sweatshops when I was liberatin’ Manila back in the old WWII, I want her to get the best cuts of meat. I mean, if I can be frank…Ha! I’m not Frank…I’m Sam! But seriously, …

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Top 6 Papa John’s Mysteries Books So Far

Reading is down, according to polls, but that hasn’t stopped Papa John, the guy from pizza, from writing and publishing over 50 books in his Papa John’s Mysteries series so far. I’m proud to say I’ve read them all, and I’ve rated my favorite six of those books here. 6) The Case of the Missing Tiger This one’s pretty good. …

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Cannibal Recipes

Dave’s Big and Juicy: Chop up Dave into “Big and Juicy” sizes, flash fry and serve with a side of Tina or even a nice late season Michelle. Roger: Ground Roger into hamburger, cook by flame broiling the way you want it. Add cheese, mayo, lettuce, onions and tomatoes. Serve on sesame seed bun Roger Jr.: Just like Roger but …

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When Is It the Right Time to Play Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler?”

We live in a complicated world. Wars, droughts, crime, and adorable, yet deadly bear attacks. The last thing you need is to not know the appropriate time to play “The Gambler.” Well, lucky for you we compiled a guide to help you with just that. Making sweet love: Of course play “The Gambler,” stupid!  Jesus Christ, if this is even …

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Always Bet on Black: Wesley Snipes’ Guide to Gambling

Adam Jacobs, contributor If I know one thing, it’s when Wesley Snipes gives you advice, you take it. I met Wesley Snipes at a 4th of July party in Venice, California just weeks before he began his prison term for tax evasion. He was rolling on ecstasy, drinking water like it was going out of style, and was wearing an …

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