Articles

The Other Missile Crisis

William Toblerone, contributor Like a lot of other old former children, I was fascinated with Boba Fett the bounty hunter. I didn’t really know what bounty meant back then, so I went around slashing at paper towels with a pocket knife. “Absorb this!” I would shout. I had it in my head that if I hunted down enough Bounty, I …

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Hooker Math

Nuno Amaral, staff Few debates have elicited more nerd rage than Star Wars vs. Star Trek. Today I hope to settle one aspect of this debate for good; which is the superior ship, the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon? Most sources have the Enterprise with the greater gun power and the Millennium Falcon with the superior speed, but since speed …

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11 Missed Star Wars Product Tie-Ins

Subway did it. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese did it. Hell, even Crocs did it. So why did so many other companies miss out on Star Wars product tie-ins? Here are a few missed opportunities that could have brought in some major Imperial Credit.   Kashi Admiral Akbar Snackbar A delightful combination of seven whole grains and dried salmon.   Boba …

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Lando’s List

Tommy Lucero, contributor Lando’s List is your go-to source for help wanted, for sale, personal, and community listings.   Wookiee Breeder: No experience needed, just a strong grip on the desire to further the existence of a noble race of fur-laden folk. Willing to relocate a plus, willingness to follow through and finish tasks set before you even more of …

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How to Talk to Your Kids About Their Dead Pets

The death of a childhood pet isn’t just a rite of passage; experts now say the experience may help prepare children for the inevitable passing of you, their parent, which will come sooner than you think. Here are a few ways to help your kids understand what happened to Fluffy and Rover: * Be frank with your children. Instead of …

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Interviews with People Who Haven’t Seen Star Wars

Mark Manning, contributor The resurgence of Star Wars fandom kindled curiosity within me. As the pressure to be a part of the hype intensified, the few who had not even seen the original Star Wars trilogy became exposed. I talked to outed friends about how they’ve avoided seeing any of the movies (or worse – forgotten if they had even …

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Suggested Titles for Star Wars Episode 8

Hans Yolo Attack of the Clones 2 Darth Tittyflops Takes Manhattan BB- 8 Is Enough Fuck All You Nerds, The Rise of Jar Jar don’t say Electric Boogaloo….don’t say Electric Boogaloo….don’t say Electric Boogaloo…. Minions 2 The Hateful Episode 8 Yoda! MTV Raps Rey of Light Finn to the Wind Kylo Ren and Stimpy The First Order Spring Break Orgy …

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The New Jar Jar

In the re-edit of Star Wars Episode 1 Disney decided to completely redo Jar Jar Binks to make him less offensive to black people and more offensive to white people. Jar Jar has been redone to resemble a stereotypical white man and these are just some of the new character traits you can expect from Jar Jar in the new …

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Tofurky or Tofuckyou?

Tiffany Greysen, contributor On October 13, 2015 I decided to take a swing at eating vegan. Not because I was going to give up my new purse — I really love my leather purse— it’s really nice and still has that new purse smell. I also like shoes, and make-up. I know that some make-up is made from clubbed baby …

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Door-to-Door Meatman

Scott Bowser, contributor Meat tastes great.  Be careful, though. I was once a door-to-door meat salesman and it sucked. I showed up to headquarters the first day but I smelled like beer and got sent home.  Also the manager told me to make sure I was wearing shorts the next day when I showed up to work or I would …

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