Articles

Refu-jeez

Butch Escobar, contributor Gungans: they may be George Lucas’ biggest mistake, but now they’re America’s biggest refugee problem. Being blamed for bad movie reviews and not shitty movie making, the Gungans are being displaced in droves. So it’s time that we here in America step up and do our duty. Adopt a Gungan family today. Where else can a Gungan …

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Welcome to Storm Trooper Troop ST34521

Josh Argyle, staff *(Best read with a thick New Jersey Accent) Congratulations, you have chosen to join the most integral part of the Galactic Empire and their efforts for galaxy domination. As your elected union representative, let me take this time to lay out some frequently asked concerns and requirements as it pertains to ST34521. Blasters and aiming: We are …

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Troopers Demand Blaster Training

Sam Greenspan, contributor After what seemed to be an unflappable plan executed by Emperor Palpatine and carried out by Darth Vader (Dark Lord of the Sith, pod racing champion, and murderer of younglings) to destroy the rebel uprising, the Death Star managed, against all securities and planning measures, to be blown up due to a small exhaust port on the …

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Things Star Wars Taught Me

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Star Wars taught me I had shitty parents. My parents never took me anywhere and we never did anything fun. There was only one movie that my parents ever took me to see, and that was Return of the Jedi, and only because an uncle was in town to visit. They talked about that movie for years, …

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Star Wars Plot Recapped by People Who Haven’t Seen Star Wars

Mark Manning, contributor Despite record-breaking advanced ticket sales, Star Wars moviegoers are nervous they’ve forgotten key details of the original trilogy, making The Force Awakens as unwatchable as a Jar Jar Binks romcom. Or worse yet, maybe their parents mind-tricked them into thinking sci-fi wasn’t the entertainment they were looking for and they’re worried they’ll be that audience member asking …

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The Other Missile Crisis

William Toblerone, contributor Like a lot of other old former children, I was fascinated with Boba Fett the bounty hunter. I didn’t really know what bounty meant back then, so I went around slashing at paper towels with a pocket knife. “Absorb this!” I would shout. I had it in my head that if I hunted down enough Bounty, I …

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Hooker Math

Nuno Amaral, staff Few debates have elicited more nerd rage than Star Wars vs. Star Trek. Today I hope to settle one aspect of this debate for good; which is the superior ship, the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon? Most sources have the Enterprise with the greater gun power and the Millennium Falcon with the superior speed, but since speed …

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11 Missed Star Wars Product Tie-Ins

Subway did it. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese did it. Hell, even Crocs did it. So why did so many other companies miss out on Star Wars product tie-ins? Here are a few missed opportunities that could have brought in some major Imperial Credit.   Kashi Admiral Akbar Snackbar A delightful combination of seven whole grains and dried salmon.   Boba …

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Lando’s List

Tommy Lucero, contributor Lando’s List is your go-to source for help wanted, for sale, personal, and community listings.   Wookiee Breeder: No experience needed, just a strong grip on the desire to further the existence of a noble race of fur-laden folk. Willing to relocate a plus, willingness to follow through and finish tasks set before you even more of …

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How to Talk to Your Kids About Their Dead Pets

The death of a childhood pet isn’t just a rite of passage; experts now say the experience may help prepare children for the inevitable passing of you, their parent, which will come sooner than you think. Here are a few ways to help your kids understand what happened to Fluffy and Rover: * Be frank with your children. Instead of …

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