Articles

10 Signs Your Dad Hates You in a Passive Aggressive Way

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish). …

Read More »

What Your Roommate Is Really Saying with Those Stupid Notes

“Thank you for eating all the corndogs I bought. It’s ok, I love eating toothpaste for dinner anyway.” We’re out of toothpaste.   “You left pee in the sink.”             Thank you for not wasting water buddy. I love you.   “I’m so happy you’ve let your brother and his dog sleep on the couch rent free.”                Why don’t …

Read More »

Help on the Way

William Toblerone, contributor Dear Savage Henry Tech Support, Hi friends!  I adore your magazine; especially the articles with a bunch of swear words. I would really like to check out the material on savagehenrymagazine.com. However, when I try to log on to your website, I am redirected to a site that provides tour information for Clay Aiken. I tried to …

Read More »

My Mom Is a Phone Zombie but It’s Not All Bad

Ruth Godlin Sullivan (11), contributor Whenever my mom is looking at pictures of her new favorite actors; T.J Miller, Kate McKinnon or other old people, I know she will be glued to her screen for hours. Like a zombie. But with her eyeball drying addiction, there come advantages. #1- Stealing Candy Usually we have some really frozen marshmallows or even …

Read More »

7 Apps That Someone Needs to Make for Me Right Now

Apps! We like ’em. Heck, we love ’em! And we need us some more. I’ll give all the money I make from this article* to the first person that builds these amazing apps. Apps! – A sleep sounds app that’s just Kevin Costner reading the The Little Prince – An app that translates rappers’ tweets – A photo app that …

Read More »

Finding a Job Online

I am currently unemployed. I know I get paid 8.7 billion dollars for each article I write for Savage Henry but since I usually write only one article a month, I need find another job to make ends meet. I currently spend close to 600 million per day on Subway subs alone so I need some extra cash on the …

Read More »

This SHITS for Reels – Money Edition

Mike Sargent, staff Jimmy Durante’s dying words after flying off a cliff sets forth teams of today’s leading comic actors and comedians in a hilarious race to find a wealth of cash buried in a park and It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963). Airplane! (1980) stole a lot of visual gags from this film! This romantic fast-talking witty …

Read More »

How to Show Him on Your First Date that You are a Strong Successful Stay-at-Home Ex-Wife and You are Not the Type Who Will Not Put up With Just any Engagement Ring

Tiffany Greysen, contributor It’s 2016 and the “Blood Diamond” weeping-heart crusade is finally fucking over. The time is here when we can finally call a spade a spade and a Diamondoid a Diamondoid. You are a strong, smart, brave feminist and you have learned to set boundaries. You no longer need your first ex-husband’s money; your parents (mostly) don’t support …

Read More »

How to Make $$$ FAST!!!

Hey you, want to make money? Good! Because money makes the world go round. Yup money is responsible for turning this perfectly flat earth of ours round and round like a Papa John’s chef tossing that hand made delicious dough that makes that robust flavorful pizza pie for us, the lucky and soon to be satisfied customer. If you want …

Read More »

Embezzling: America’s Greatest Pastime

Bruce Lynch, contributor Are you a criminal scumbag? Have found it difficult to generate wealth from the seedy underbelly of society? Ever think about playing it straight and getting a white collar job? Stop being an asshole! If you want to move up in the world you don’t have to land a white collar job, you just have to be …

Read More »