Articles

Toilet Terror

Trevor Lockwood, contributor   Going to the bathroom at home for the most part is a sacred and private matter.The unfortunate thing about the human body, though, is that it can sometimes be unpredictable while you’re out and about. That’s where “public” bathrooms come in. Of course these shared poop dens aren’t always public; sometimes you have to be some …

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Murder Mystery Buffet Review

Zeke Herrera, staff I really enjoyed the idea of a murder mystery-themed buffet. It combines two of my favorite things, blood and diarrhea — oh, and the murder stuff, I guess.   At first I had a lot of fun solving the murder; they did a great job establishing the characters and I was only one plate in so I …

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In Defense of Kramer

Rocco Tenaglia, Contributor Look, I’m not gonna sugar coat anything, so let me get this out of the way: Michael Richards fucked up. He done goofed. I mean, here’s a guy who, at what I think we can all agree was the absolute peak of his illustrious career (late 2006), got on a stage and used the N-word in the …

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Faceless Sex – The Future Of Relationships

Adam Jacobs, contributor   I’m a married man, so take it from me, relationships are way overrated. The problem with being in a relationship is the constant reminders that no change is coming and your future is stagnant. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but sometimes you want something fresh and new, but monogamy states that you are …

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Witness Protection Program Name Generator

Robert Berry, contributor   Do you have to go into government sanctioned hiding but don’t like the lame-ass name the feds came up for you to use? Just use this handy generator to come up with something way cooler!   FIRST LETTER OF FIRST NAME A Bartleby B Melvin C Shafeeq D Fuckminster E Vulvalia F Sphincterosa G Ted H …

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Secret Admirer Sounds Suspiciously Like Jeff

some dude, contributor   HOBOKEN, NJ – Here in the modern age, with its teeming throngs of Internet trolls, haters, and assorted d-bags, anonymous communication most often reflects the very ugliest impulses of the human spirit. But in the run-up to this year’s Valentine’s Day, one New Jersey resident was honored with an unsigned missive that hearkens back to a …

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The Rejected List of Names for the Anonymous Source “Deep Throat”

Chaz Logan Hyde, contributor   So I’ll put this out there to start — that this could easily become a long and egregious list of dick puns, longer than anyone should have to read to themselves in whatever bar you’re in, or out loud, flying spaghetti monster forbid. But with careful research and keystrokes, I’ll proceed to do my best. …

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Arcata Missed Connection

Niall “CornBread” Kelly, contributor   On average, I fall in love with around 4 women a day; my heart tends to get broken just as frequently. To love and forget is a virtue, a virtue that I practice as often as I can. Sometimes, I just want to show my feelings right there on the spot, but the words just …

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Valentine’s Day Cards from an Anonymous Neighbor

  Mike Spiegelman, contributor Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, but your car is blocking the driveway again. Happy Valentine’s Day.   Dear Neighbor, Roses are red, Violets are blue, People remove lint from the dryer after doing laundry, And so should you.   Be my Valentine, Neighbor? You can start by picking up after your dog. …

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Citizens Of Flavortown

Dave Losso, contributor   Heed our words. No longer will mashed potatoes not be “out of control;” no longer will a quesadilla not be “off the chain.” There are no chains, there are no masters. Vegetables will give you diarrhea and sunglasses belong in the back. Your corrupt FDA has come for your rightful donkey sauce but we swarm like …

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