Articles

Monthbook

I took summer school of my own accord for 4 years so that I could be in both Yearbook and Newspaper during the school year. I also had a tribble in my personal yearbook class drawer. Connect the dots on that one. My third year editor spent the year trying out the idea that if you didn’t wash your hair …

Read More »

Cormac McCarthy Yelp Reviews

Hearken to the emptiness of the moon. Seven vested creatures shuffle over earth caked with blood. I cant hear you, said the guide as they ran him through with a pike. Entrails spilled and screams of no and no and please and help and no again as they left him for the scavengers and their red breath. I could do …

Read More »

Death of Classmate Irritates Cheerleaders

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Dear Yearbook Editor, We, The Wolverine Cheerleaders, class of 2015—except for former member, Rayia, who has been kicked off the team for being a betrayer of secrets and a horrible human being—write to appeal to your sense of team spirit and loyalty. We think it was really nice to acknowledge former sophomore student Gibby Smithe’s life and …

Read More »

Free Senior Quotes to Use in Your Yearbook

Hey it’s me, well-known and beloved celebrity, Cornell Reid. This article is for those of you who are graduating. Now I know most of Savage Henry’s loyal readers probably aren’t familiar with the concept of graduation, or attending class, or even reading. Actually, most people who pick up the magazine just use it to wipe up the Monster they spilled …

Read More »

She’s Just That Into Me

William Toblerone, contributor I met her at a flea market. We were both checking out these tapestries with tigers and Richard Petty and some other awesome shit printed on them. She was gorgeous. Big ol’ boobs. Really made me think about doing it. She was with this big muscled-up foreign-talking guy.  I could tell he was rich, too, because he …

Read More »

Local High School Wrestling Match Attendance Hits All-Time High Since PTA Moms Replaced Team’s Singlets with a New Sexier Version

Tiffany Greyson, contributor Maddy, president of the PTA – who has a $60,000 unused marketing degree – explained: “Wrestling has never been a high-generating-revenue sport for the PTA. We wanted to look at our opportunities for growth and see what could be done to change this. The PTA had a rainy-day fund which we wanted to use to invest into …

Read More »

Rick Rude Stole My Lady

Timothy Paul, contributor It was 1989, I was young, cocksure, but out of my element in Daytona Beach, Florida at a popular wrestling-themed bar named the Turnbuckle. What happened that evening was humiliating, but I left knowing the burden of being a man. My first girlfriend Misty and I were sharing a Junkyard Dog garbage plate, and I was talking …

Read More »

Bring Back the REAL WWF

Keith D, contributor The World Wildlife Fund can suck it! There can only be one organization called the WWF and it should the ass-kicking one, brother! The only endangered Animal I care about is Road Warrior Animal, because I don’t want to live in a world where that legendary tag team has become extinct (RIP Hawk). For those unfamiliar with …

Read More »

The Wrath of the Undertaker

Dash Kwiatkowski, contributor Agent: Mr. President, we’re here to warn you about the greatest threat our nation has ever faced. President: Is this about ISIS?   Agent: No… the Undertaker, sir. President: I’m sorry, the Undertaker?  The pro wrestler?   Agent: That’s right.  He’s gone mad with power, and now he’s chokeslamming everyone, sir.  Chokeslamming them to hell. President: Now, …

Read More »

Reasons You Should Have Your Mole Checked

Hemlines are up, and so are rates of skin cancer. But if you’re addicted to that burn anyway, here are seven signs you should look for if you’re concerned at all about dying from a completely preventable disease: 1)  YOUR MOLE SPEAKS IN SPANISH Moles shouldn’t speak at all. If your mole speaks in Spanish, it’s a sign that the …

Read More »