Articles

Reasons You Should Have Your Mole Checked

Hemlines are up, and so are rates of skin cancer. But if you’re addicted to that burn anyway, here are seven signs you should look for if you’re concerned at all about dying from a completely preventable disease: 1)  YOUR MOLE SPEAKS IN SPANISH Moles shouldn’t speak at all. If your mole speaks in Spanish, it’s a sign that the …

Read More »

Obvious Jokes (“Jokes”)

Zack Newkirk, staff   Q: What do you call Bobcat Goldthwait when he’s trying to reach his goal weight? A: Bobcat Goalweight   Q: What do you call Johnny Carson when he’s trying to get his son into his car? A: Johnny “Car””son”   Q: What do you call Ace of Base when they are playing in a celebrity baseball …

Read More »

This SHITS for Reels – And Then They Wrestled to the Death

Michel Sargent, contributor A giant asteroid falls to Earth, bringing malevolent moon monsters demanding sacrificial poor people in Hercules Against The Moonmen (1964). Muscle-bound Hercules shows up shirtless, glistening and ready to wrestle. The Queen deals with the aliens for world domination while Hercules wrestles a hairy saber-toothed beast, an army of rock monsters, and tons of half-nude men. Yum. …

Read More »

Showcase of the Immaculate

OJ Patterson, contributor It’s official. Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea is now a preacher. Bollea, or Reverend Hogan according to the church program, had a spirited, though auspiciously reserved sermon at the St. John MBE in Atlanta. The mega-church was at capacity hours before the service, many had to be turned away and numerous red and yellow signs were confiscated. As …

Read More »

The Hulk Hogan Interview

SH: Hey, Hulk, so nice of you to come do an interview with Savage Henry. HH: Yeah, you know I love the magazine, brother. When I’m not busting heads, I’m making my wife read me some of these laugh out loud articles. I thought my sides hurt after wrestling Andre the Giant, but that was nothing compared the gut-busting laughter …

Read More »

Wrestling in the Bible

Thomas Hunter, contributor For something to be in the Bible, it’s gotta be old and it’s gotta be important, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be real. Obviously wrestling makes the cut. Wrestling makes its biblical debut in Genesis chapter 32. The reason you don’t hear much about it in church is because, like most wrestling matches, it includes some …

Read More »

Wrestling Moves Banned For Historical Insensitivity

Everyone’s heard of the headlock and the suplex and even the pile driver … classic wrestling moves. But since the dawn of the, ummmmm … sport (?) professional wrestlers have let their creative side out when naming their signature moves, and sometimes this gets them in some politically incorrect trouble. Here are some of the old moves that created controversy …

Read More »

Bret Hart’s Hair Care Secrets

Hi. I’m Bret Hart. People are always asking me, “Bret, what’s it like to be the champ?” And I say, “It’s pretty tits.” And they ask, “How do you get your hair so beautiful?” It was easy to answer that before the 1979 energy crisis. Because of certain decrees by the United States government, I had to come up with alternative …

Read More »

Animal Wrestling for the Refined Gentleman

Spencer Devine, contributor It is inarguably difficult to be super fancy in a world full of ruffians and riff raff. Have you ever had your monocle chain snagged by a passing backpack strap? Had a button eaten directly off of your vest by a classless punk? Well, l have good news: you can train yourself as a strapping man-lad to …

Read More »

Your Signature Move

Ivan Mueting, contributor Your signature move is who you are. It defines you. You could just say “This is who I am,” but actions speak louder than words. You can make no louder statement than slamming your enemy from the top ropes. You want to wrestle? You want to be the greatest? Well, who do you want to be? Do …

Read More »