Articles

Skip to My Lunch

William Toblerone, contributor It’s widely accepted that doctors are among the most qualified professionals around when it comes to talking about health stuff. Even though they have told us for years that breakfast is the most infuriating meal of the day, people continue to push morning food into their faces. I have learned to avoid it at all costs. I …

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Brunch Calls Out Breakfast: “You Think You’re Fuckin’ Better Than Me?”

By Brunch (ghostwritten by Sam Greenspan, contributor) Okay, Mr. Dietitian’s favorite pet, Mr. I-Get-Up-At-Six-Just-Because-I-Want-To, Mr. Captain fuckin’ America with your whole grain waffles, and your whole grain milk, and your whole grain– you know something? Who gives a shit! Who the fuck eats breakfast!? Oh what’s that, you say? Lots of people and billions more who’d love to eat breakfast …

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Brunch Like a Deal Douche … a Brouchebag!

Adam Jacobs, contributor Brunch used to be just a late lunch, but now brunch has been hi-jacked by bottomless mimosa terrorists, the uber hipster douche. We call them Brunch Douche bags… or The Brouchebag. We can’t lose brunch, it’s too important to curing our hangovers and allowing us to sleep in on the weekends. These tips will help you fit …

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This SHITs for Reels – B-Fast Visuals

Michel Sargent, contributor My all-time favorite breakfast visuals are movie serials; cliffhanging chapter films shown in theatres before the feature back when they still did cool shit like that. A “purple” meteor (spacecraft) falls to Earth from the direction of Mars in The Purple Monster Strikes (1945). A Martian in tights exits the craft with his Distance Eliminator monitor and …

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Hey Fat Asses, Eat This

Samantha Gilweit, contributor I was once a fat ass. And then I was like, “I don’t want to be a fat ass anymore.” So I went to the Internet and started reading shit about fat asses that no longer wanted to be fat asses. I started eating different. I started exercising and shit. I stopped eating tons of carbs. Yeah, …

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Failed Breakfast Cereal/Movie Tie-ins

Timothy Paul, contributor The Fast and the Flakiest Saving Private Raisin Diary of a Mad Black Marshmallow Das Fruit Cream of Madea Citizen Grain Dallas Buyers Puffs Chocolate Phillips The Wolf of Puffed Wheat Extremely Loud and Incredibly Crisp True Grits No Cookies for Old Milk Sea Biscuits Four Weddings and Some Mueslix Iron Bran Harry Potter and the Goblet …

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Is This Breakfast?

Andrea Bartunek, contributor They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, because it is. It’s not good to skip it and you have to at least put something in your body. You usually wake up in the morning starving, hungover and reach for the closest form of food. To make this more entertaining, start playing a game …

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Why England Is a Shell of Its Former Glory

Sarah Godlin, staff Californians spread a quarter of an avocado on sourdough bread. Oregonians cut a circle out of wheat toast with a cup and fry an egg inside. Washingtonians sprinkle capers over their smoked salmon bagel. Marylanders fill omelettes with potatoes and scrapple. Texans eat chorizo burritos. These all seem pretty sane. (Except for the scrapple. That shit’s disgusting.) …

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The Marlboro Man Smokes His Last: Remembering an Icon: A Work of Fiction: The Guy Who Was the Marlboro Man in the Old Ads Died Recently

Zack Newkirk, staff It was a day like any other, only now, the Marlboro man was older. His chiseled jaw still sported just the right amount of sexy stubble, except presently it was grey rather than cobalt. The rugged ol’ silver fox, keepin’ on like always. He lit up his Marlboro red and surveyed the fence line. “Smooth,” he said …

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The Top 6 Most Racist Athletes

Zack Newkirk, staff It’s a sad fact that in 2015 some close-minded people still discriminate based on skin color. But it’s an even sadder fact that in the past, there were even worse racists than now – and some of them were professional sports players. Here are some of the most racist pro athletes in the history of the world: …

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