Articles

Escaping the Squalor of the 99%

William Toblerone, contributor Folks, the road to extreme wealth is all about trial and error. You have to persist. In my first attempt, I followed an ad that caught my eye while reading an Internet site about how to do sex better. The ad promised that I could get rich working at home for only 30 MINUTES A DAY!!!. That …

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The Werewolf of Wall Street (Excerpt)

I’m writing a new book that’s gonna blow Martin Scorsese’s dumbass movie out of the water. Here is a taste just to get you idiots pre-ordering my book and reviewing it on Amazon Prime and all the other important websites. Please enjoy! “Grrrrrrr,” growled the Wolfman named Gary. He was very angry because he couldn’t find the dang street he …

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Recipes for the Wealthiest Children in the World

Justin Alan, contributor Hello parents (or more likely, nannies), and welcome to a fun little adventure in cooking. I know cooking for children can sometimes be trying on the patience when you are one of the wealthiest parents (or more likely, work for the wealthiest parents and secretly daydream about framing them for fraud and evening the score a little), …

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Food Stamps to Fortune – A Comprehensive Guide

Zach Chappell, contributor Government provided food aid, while useful, isn’t actually the best stepping stone to a life of wealth and fortune. That is, until you start thinking about your food stamps differently. Here are a few ways you can take that fake money and turn it into something useful. For some of these methods you will have to spend …

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This SHITs for Reels – Beach Edition

Mike Sargent, staff “The annual migration of the idiot” is Welcome to Spring Break (1989) and the accompanying beachsploitation horror, Biker on spring breaker violence, corrupt city officials, T & A sexism, an annoying priest, and unholy death explosion by electrocution motorcycle. Not cool. An island bound ship with Little Richard harbors cheating art burglars with a stolen painting and …

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Dum Dum Suckers

Banks get a bad rap. Sure, some bankers have taken advantage of the poor and stolen from their customers, but generally speaking, banks ain’t so bad. Perfect example: free Dum Dum suckers at the clerk windows. Just right there, free, all the flavors of Dum Dum suckers for you to sample.  It’s a perfect example how banks respect their customers. Touching …

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Sand Devises Nefarious Plan to Invade Millions of Orifices

Sam Wingspan, contributor After learning of various threats to our country’s millions of fun loving beach goers this summer, the CIA has acquired documentation suggesting a proposed invasion orchestrated by the nation’s untold quadrillions of grains of sand to infiltrate our most private of places. The proposed targets included but were not limited to thighs, toe gaps, nostrils, anuses, scrotal …

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Jokes from Hillary’s Government Email Outbox

The NSA released Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi-era emails, finally; surprise, but it seems she’s quite the jokester! Here are some of her comedy gems: –   TO: grh62@senate.gov FROM: secstatehil@gov.gov   Q: How come [REDACTED] are so good at playing [REDACTED]? A: Because they’re [REDACTED]! lol 😉 –   TO: gov_2100fs@ccap.gov FROM: secstatehil@gov.gov   Q: How many [REDACTED] people does it …

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A Broke Girl’s Guide to Being a Rich Bitch

Maya Schubert, contributor Problem: Expensive Drinks There is no way I’m going to pay 12 dollars for some drink that’s mostly watered down juice. I don’t go out to sip my drink and have a few laughs with friends, I want to wake up the next morning wearing a grass skirt on the floor of a stranger’s house (sans a …

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It’s Cool to Pee the Pool

Adam Jacobs, contributor Please don’t act like you don’t do it; that’s why there’s chlorine in the pool, ya dingus. Shoot, I only pee in the pool, sometimes dumpies too, but that’s for a different issue. We’ve all been there, splashing around in the pool on a hot, sunny day, and you have this tingling sensation in your nether regions. …

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