Articles

Savage Henry’s Passive Aggressive Driving Tips

Are you an angry person? Do people infuriate you? Are you too afraid of what people will think to be actually aggressive? Don’t worry, there is a way of being a complete and utter asshole without dealing with the consequences. A way that will leave people saying, “I think you’re an asshole but I’m not 100% sure.” After talking to …

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Case Studies Show That Saying “Just Kidding” Greatly Reduces the Awareness that You’re an Asshole

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Communication is hard. Deciphering cryptic, hidden messages buried deep in a sentence riddled with passive aggressive words is not only confusing, it can lead to misunderstandings and a breakdown of trust between relationships. Recognizing that you’re being passive aggressive is the first step in fixing it. By learning to adjust a few key words and phrases you …

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How to Hack Hell

Let’s face it, we’re going to hell. You thought maybe you’d skate by because you gave some homeless chick you thought was hot a roach from your car’s ashtray a ride, but that’s really not gonna save you. We’re all falling down that dark hot hole deep far far down into the burning fire known as hell. So great, you’re …

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This SHITs for Reels – Technology Edition

Michel Sargent, contributor “Something’s not in orbit in this capital of the galaxy” says the gun-toting revolutionary Lemmy Caution upon entering Alphaville (1965). This French New Wave technocracy is run by a narrating supercomputer that decreed showing emotion gets you the death squad over a swimming pool with synchronized swimming. Blow that shit up! Filmed in Robo-Monstervision (Super-8!), Automatons (2006) …

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10 Signs Your Dad Hates You in a Passive Aggressive Way

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish). …

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What Your Roommate Is Really Saying with Those Stupid Notes

“Thank you for eating all the corndogs I bought. It’s ok, I love eating toothpaste for dinner anyway.” We’re out of toothpaste.   “You left pee in the sink.”             Thank you for not wasting water buddy. I love you.   “I’m so happy you’ve let your brother and his dog sleep on the couch rent free.”                Why don’t …

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Help on the Way

William Toblerone, contributor Dear Savage Henry Tech Support, Hi friends!  I adore your magazine; especially the articles with a bunch of swear words. I would really like to check out the material on savagehenrymagazine.com. However, when I try to log on to your website, I am redirected to a site that provides tour information for Clay Aiken. I tried to …

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My Mom Is a Phone Zombie but It’s Not All Bad

Ruth Godlin Sullivan (11), contributor Whenever my mom is looking at pictures of her new favorite actors; T.J Miller, Kate McKinnon or other old people, I know she will be glued to her screen for hours. Like a zombie. But with her eyeball drying addiction, there come advantages. #1- Stealing Candy Usually we have some really frozen marshmallows or even …

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7 Apps That Someone Needs to Make for Me Right Now

Apps! We like ’em. Heck, we love ’em! And we need us some more. I’ll give all the money I make from this article* to the first person that builds these amazing apps. Apps! – A sleep sounds app that’s just Kevin Costner reading the The Little Prince – An app that translates rappers’ tweets – A photo app that …

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Finding a Job Online

I am currently unemployed. I know I get paid 8.7 billion dollars for each article I write for Savage Henry but since I usually write only one article a month, I need find another job to make ends meet. I currently spend close to 600 million per day on Subway subs alone so I need some extra cash on the …

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