Articles

6 Things I Told My Therapist That Were Totally Uninteresting to Him

Jason Melton, contributor   I told my therapist, “I don’t like getting oil on my hands because once it gets on your hands and you touch a doorknob the oil stays there so once you wash your hands you get the oil right back if you touch the doorknob again.” He said, “What was the thing you were saying right …

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Adolf Hitler is Still Alive (and He Groped Me)

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor   Savage Henry recently went international; as such, contributors were asked to go overseas and collect hard-hitting news stories for a new section in the mag called “Oh No We SHIT Int.” The mag flew me out to Amsterdam first class so that I could do a piece on underground sex dungeons, but what I ended up …

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How to Make Medical Waste Work For You

Lacie Wallace, contributor   Several years ago, I had my wisdom teeth out. When the dentist offered to dispose of them for me, I declined and took those suckers home. But I started to wonder… was there a way to make use of them? How could I ensure they didn’t go to waste? I tried to find a charity to …

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Party In My Head

Scott Bowser, contributor   Since I’ve been in commercials that have appeared on basic cable I’ve become quite the Hollywood elite.  Hours of lounging by pools and brunching have worn me down to a nub when it comes to social gatherings. It’s a little too much. I keep my public appearances to a minimum now. However, the party never stops …

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In Defense of Oscar the Grouch

Kelly Richardson, contributor Oscar the Grouch is your asshole brother. You love him. You hate him. But eventually you realized he is simply an asshole. And OSCAR IS EVERYTHING.   He is honest and upfront. He won’t bullshit you. You know exactly what you are getting. A goddamn Grouch. It’s his species. It’s in his DNA. He gets off on …

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Flat Earther to Release Opinion on Tax Policy

Aaron Pitcher, contributor   HARTFORD, MI – The Internet was abuzz this morning at the Facebook announcement by local Flat Earth model advocate and unemployed punch press operator Clint Fielder that he would soon make an important contribution to the national dialogue and “share with the (flat) world [his] own prespective on pending tax legilsation.” Fielder, 44, whose credentials include …

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Savage Henry’s Dog Breed Overview

Everybody loves dogs; heck, they’re the ultimate pet! But did you ever wonder what the differences between all the breeds are? Let me “break it down” for ya!   PUGS These little goofballs look like they got their little faces smashed in! Their little bark is DEFINITELY worse than their little bite, and they love to be snuggled! Very tender! …

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Bobby’s Favorite Weirdos

Bobby Benedict, contributor   I’ve come across the archetypes: the conspiracy hobo, diet the Dude, even not-blind-but-also-not-as-good Ray Charles. I try to associate with those weirdos, to understand how far past the fringes the human mind can be taken, but these three I still can’t quite comprehend.   The Alaskan Werewolf Alaska was amazing, even if only for the experience …

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Sheeple Can’t Hear My Dog’s Voices

First of all they can not talk Dog good like we do. It’s not their fault they just aren’t woke like us. If you can’t comprehend how jet fuel not only doesn’t melt steel beams, but it also doesn’t even exist, then you honestly don’t deserve those sweet pebbles of pure canine depravity. It’s the same reason they can’t sneeze …

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How to Tell If Someone is Weird

Evan Vest, contributor   Everybody is a little weird in their own right, but some definitely stand out more than others! Here are some major tells that let you know you are dealing with a grade-A weirdo.   They have INFOWARS.COM written on their forehead Look out! This guy is advertising his favorite website for free. The weird thing here …

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