Articles

Top 5 WILD Animals We SHOULD Have Evolved From

Paul Danke, contributor Everyone knows that human beings evolved from apes (probably) and what a colossal fuck-up that turned out to be; apes don’t even have tails. But what, should “(wo)man” have evolved from, monkeys? We’d be so tiny! Tails yes, but so tiny. Sure, we would probably use less in the way of fossil fuels, thus slowing our eventual …

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The Original Party Animal

We first met Spuds MacKenzie in a Budweiser ad during Superbowl XXI in 1987. Almost immediately after that first commercial aired, Spuds MacKenzie was rocketed to the top of the marketing world, becoming the most desired, known and loved mascot for any product. He knocked the Where’s the Beef? lady off the charts and Mr. Whipple wasn’t squeezing anything after …

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Some Wild Communicating Skills

Ausbon Brown III, contributor Wild Animals and humans have coexisted on this planet since we first evolved from animals ourselves, apes. Or since when we rode on the backs of dinosaurs, shooting off pistols, drinking beer… at least that is the version of religious Creationism I was taught growing up in the Southern United States. Either way, you get the …

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Least Interesting Facts About “Wild” Animals

A lot of people think animals that aren’t cared for by humans are considered wild animals. But honestly, how wild are they? I’ve done some deep research into all the animals we all love to refer to as wild to see what their habits are and if any of them truly qualify as wild. The answers I found are bound …

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A Taxonomy of Animal Smugness

Allison Mick, contributor Here’s a short list of animals organized by how much better than me they think they are. Elephants – least smug animals ever. They just seem super giving and chill, like if an elephant was a human dude he’d eat you out for like half an hour and never once bitch about “his turn”. Hyenas – they’re …

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Book of Years

Spencer DeVine, contributor When the printing press was invented in 1440, it completely reformed the meaning of knowledge distribution, and gave us such modern treasures as The Hunger Games, and old classics like the Kama Sutra. Books are such a simple concept that go underrated, but every century has its own works of art that stand out as an artistic …

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13 Things You Might Not Have Known about Your Fave Celebs

1) John Goodman isn’t “good.” He’s a child murderer! 2) Ellen DeGeneres’ hair is actually a wig made of spaghetti! 3) Robert Pattinson once ate a Jack Russell terrier in a Target bathroom! 4) Drake the rapper isn’t who you think he is. He’s actually two sand sharks in a trench coat! 5) Miley Cyrus? Not a virgin! 6) Dave …

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Class Clown

Mikey Walz, contributor My senior year I won the yearbook title of “Class Clown.” It’s something I still like to use as a working credit when applying for bookings. It connotes longevity, I think. However, I’ve always found the award to be a bit bittersweet. There’s just something about the word “Clown”. It’s really one of the only yearbook titles …

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This SHIT’s for Reels: That Was a Rough Year

Michel Sargent, contributor Three hapless grade school troublemakers in boarding school get Zero For Conduct (1933) and begin plotting their way out of continuous Sunday detentions. After finding the attic store of ammunition the whole class makes a Jolly Roger and declare surreal war with “dirty cans and smelly boots, liberty or death!” Influenced by Zero For Conduct, the film …

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Things My Cat Ruined by Puking on Them

William Toblerone, contributor When my cat tore open a large container of shredded parmesan cheese and devoured the contents, I thought he might get a little sick.  When I woke up the next morning, he had thrown up all over everything.  Well, not everything, but a lot of stuff.  Here’s an inventory of the things my cat destroyed with his …

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