Articles

Glengarry Glen Rossi: A Tale of Failed Marketing

Before we at Savage Henry had our vineyard repossessed by the IRS. (Apparently comedy magazines are not tax exempt and cannot be claimed as churches) We were in the beginning stages of a nationwide wine ad campaign. Here are the cream of the crop off wine slogans… well, at least the ones that don’t feature explicit sexual imagery or compromising …

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Think Inside the Box

OJ Patterson, contributor I only fux with boxed wine. It smashes bottles 10 times out of 10 —because it’s perfect. Squishy gland of red or white divinity, inconspicuously armored in ergonomic pragmatism. The bag: an electric sheep bota; a hardcore water balloon; an inglorious douche bag. The box: cardboard. Bottles are heavy. Bottles are frail. Bottles are for babies and …

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The First Timer’s Guide to Wine Tasting

So, your slightly fancier-than-you friends have invited you to a wine tasting. “Sounds nice,” you reply, before breaking into a cold sweat upon realizing that the only experience you’ve ever had with wine involved a jug of Carlo Rossi and a lot of crying to Dashboard Confessional. You want to be the kind of person who understands and appreciates wine …

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White Lady Hour

I fit the criteria for Wine Drinker: I’m a white lady. I’m not going to lie, I drink a shit-ton of Bota Box wine with Refreshe seltzer water. It is “my jam,” as the kids are saying these days. I can hardly make out their little squeaky voices because I am profoundly White Lady drunk. White ladies who are drunk …

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Other Uses for the Boxed Wine Bags

When you’re all done draining every delicious drop of merlot from your Peter Vella or Franzia box, don’t fret; your fun with the box is not over. Rip open the box like a 8-year-old on Christmas day and behold the wonderment of what’s inside: a clear plastic bag or a silvery mylar bag will appear all crumpled and useless, but …

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And if You Don’t Know, Now Pruno

Sam Greenspan, contributor Velvety. Smooth. Relaxing. Romantic — they’re not just words to describe prison anymore. So why are our nation’s incarcerated enjoying all of the warm aromatics and carcinogens afternotes of Pruno (or toilet prison wine) for themselves? Well, my fellow freedom-guzzling plutocrats, those days are a thing of the past. Learning from the mistakes of my grandfather — …

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The Grapes of Revenge

Zeke Herrera, contributor Two scientist gather around a grape in a lab. The older scientist grabs a syringe and injects the grape. Young Scientist Nothing’s happening. Old Scientist Give it time. Young Scientist We’re never going to grow grapes that crush themselves. Old Scientist Why are you talking like that? I know what we’re trying to do, so who’s that …

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Other Things That Get Better With Age

Milk – You know what I mean? Like cottage cheese. Grandma’s House – Granny’s been gone for a long time, but that ribbon candy in the bowl’s still kicking. Canada – It’s pretty worthless, guys; just hoping for the best. Assorted Meats – Salami, mainly. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure – Be Excellent to each other. Dubstep – (See Canada) …

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Lost Bukowski Poems

One of the most famous winos of all time, poet and writer Charles Bukowski, wasn’t shy about his drinking, gambling or skirt chasing. Many a poem and short story discuss his adventures while drunk, most of the time on wine. We found in our archives an old Peter Vella box containing Bukowski’s lost poems; the ones he wrote shortly before …

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The Death of Herpacles, by Aeschylus

In addition to being a writer for Savage Henry, a nocturnal eater of small birds, and a card-carrying 9/11 Truther (the card is for the Papa Murphy’s Rewards program), yours truly smugly fancies himself an amateur archaeologist! As such, last May yours truly found himself in Iraq, unearthing a long-forgotten temple of sorts thanks to a several-million-dollar grant from the …

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