Articles

Savage Henry Top 4

Oh yeah, baby. Time for that top four! Let’s count down, and I know you know the words! Haha. Ok, here we go: 4: Joseph Stalin Hitler gets all the press, but what about this guy? Better mustache, better ding-a-ling from what I’ve heard! Haha! YEAH. And HEYELLL YEAAA he loved Satan, too! DOUBLE-DOWN!! 3: Joseph Stalin Hey, how did …

Read More »

5 Tips to Becoming a Jedi

Spencer DeVine, contributor Being a Successful Jedi is difficult and everyone needs a little help now and then. That is why I’ve compiled five basic tips to help everything go smoothly on your trip through the stars. Number one, get health insurance. No matter which side you’re on, Sith or Jedi, there’s always a chance you could be cut in …

Read More »

This SHITs for Reels – Star Wars Edition

Michel Sargent, staff The Untitled Star Wars Mockumentary (2003) begins as a fake tribute to director Damon Packard by Tony Curtis followed by Packard cutting himself, friends, old trailers, pornography and other film clips into an actual Star Wars documentary of the weeks leading to the release of Attack of the Clones (2002). Fucking hilarious! The reason George Lucas© made …

Read More »

Refu-jeez

Butch Escobar, contributor Gungans: they may be George Lucas’ biggest mistake, but now they’re America’s biggest refugee problem. Being blamed for bad movie reviews and not shitty movie making, the Gungans are being displaced in droves. So it’s time that we here in America step up and do our duty. Adopt a Gungan family today. Where else can a Gungan …

Read More »

Welcome to Storm Trooper Troop ST34521

Josh Argyle, staff *(Best read with a thick New Jersey Accent) Congratulations, you have chosen to join the most integral part of the Galactic Empire and their efforts for galaxy domination. As your elected union representative, let me take this time to lay out some frequently asked concerns and requirements as it pertains to ST34521. Blasters and aiming: We are …

Read More »

Troopers Demand Blaster Training

Sam Greenspan, contributor After what seemed to be an unflappable plan executed by Emperor Palpatine and carried out by Darth Vader (Dark Lord of the Sith, pod racing champion, and murderer of younglings) to destroy the rebel uprising, the Death Star managed, against all securities and planning measures, to be blown up due to a small exhaust port on the …

Read More »

Things Star Wars Taught Me

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Star Wars taught me I had shitty parents. My parents never took me anywhere and we never did anything fun. There was only one movie that my parents ever took me to see, and that was Return of the Jedi, and only because an uncle was in town to visit. They talked about that movie for years, …

Read More »

Star Wars Plot Recapped by People Who Haven’t Seen Star Wars

Mark Manning, contributor Despite record-breaking advanced ticket sales, Star Wars moviegoers are nervous they’ve forgotten key details of the original trilogy, making The Force Awakens as unwatchable as a Jar Jar Binks romcom. Or worse yet, maybe their parents mind-tricked them into thinking sci-fi wasn’t the entertainment they were looking for and they’re worried they’ll be that audience member asking …

Read More »

The Other Missile Crisis

William Toblerone, contributor Like a lot of other old former children, I was fascinated with Boba Fett the bounty hunter. I didn’t really know what bounty meant back then, so I went around slashing at paper towels with a pocket knife. “Absorb this!” I would shout. I had it in my head that if I hunted down enough Bounty, I …

Read More »

Hooker Math

Nuno Amaral, staff Few debates have elicited more nerd rage than Star Wars vs. Star Trek. Today I hope to settle one aspect of this debate for good; which is the superior ship, the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon? Most sources have the Enterprise with the greater gun power and the Millennium Falcon with the superior speed, but since speed …

Read More »