Articles

Other Things That Get Better With Age

Milk – You know what I mean? Like cottage cheese. Grandma’s House – Granny’s been gone for a long time, but that ribbon candy in the bowl’s still kicking. Canada – It’s pretty worthless, guys; just hoping for the best. Assorted Meats – Salami, mainly. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure – Be Excellent to each other. Dubstep – (See Canada) …

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Lost Bukowski Poems

One of the most famous winos of all time, poet and writer Charles Bukowski, wasn’t shy about his drinking, gambling or skirt chasing. Many a poem and short story discuss his adventures while drunk, most of the time on wine. We found in our archives an old Peter Vella box containing Bukowski’s lost poems; the ones he wrote shortly before …

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The Death of Herpacles, by Aeschylus

In addition to being a writer for Savage Henry, a nocturnal eater of small birds, and a card-carrying 9/11 Truther (the card is for the Papa Murphy’s Rewards program), yours truly smugly fancies himself an amateur archaeologist! As such, last May yours truly found himself in Iraq, unearthing a long-forgotten temple of sorts thanks to a several-million-dollar grant from the …

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Rejected Boone’s Farm Flavors

Chuck Berry Hill What’s better than just getting fucked up? Getting fucked up while listening to some old-ass rock and roll, or at least that’s what they thought. But apparently didn’t like the blend of prunes, new car, and brown-eyed handsome man. Fozzy Navel Wakka Wakka, am I right? Have you heard of this show called “The Muppets”? Of course …

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Canned Wine: So easy to open, even a child should do it

Adam Pearlstein, contributor If you’re tired of people assuming you’re educated because you enjoy wine, Underwood Wineries has the answer for you: wine in a can. As you know, wine was invented by Jesus Christ on his 21st birthday. After famously turning a glass of water into wine, Jesus drank the wine, pooped out grapes, and planted wineries all around …

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Six Wine Coolers Deep

Bartles & Jaymes Exotic Berry Wine Cooler E & J Winery Modesto, CA 3.2% ABV Let’s get this over with: Ok, so I’ve never been one to usually go out and buy wine coolers, but I figured I should try new forms of masochism every now and then. I had this idea in my head that if I made the …

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Who’s Drinking Gilbert’s Grapes: The Fine Wines of Oregon’s Wine Country

“We can’t stop here, this is wine country…” And yet, year after year, they do. The Willamette Valley, aka Oregon’s wine country, is more like Modesto/Stockton than it is Sonoma. However, since we have a ton of wineries and fill our ghettos with white people, our area is actually a pretty poppin’ tourist destination. Here is a list of popular …

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Hollywood Death Watch: Betting Edition

The stars are dropping like flies! First Rock Hudson, now all the other ones? Holy smokes! The betting is hot and heavy and the office pools are filling up fast — which sexy celeb will kick the bucket next? Ante up for our favorites: * Many analysts point toward ensemble cast members of television shows as potential candidates for death. …

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Advanced Cooking with Wine

William Toblerone, Contributor No, I don’t think I have to tell you how to do everything. But I also know you have a tendency to fuck things up like it’s your life’s purpose. (Remember when we lost our deposit after your Hindenburg themed party?) So just follow these instructions so you won’t starve. You will need: 2  slices of bread …

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Toasts from a Wino

Keith D, contributor  Every morning, when my freshly toasted bread pops out of my toaster (AKA: trash can fire), I raise my glass of wine in the air and whimsically declare, “To toast.” I then proceed to down my glass because it’s bad luck to slow-play your toast drink. Just one of many… Toasts from a Wino: To Franzia, because …

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