Articles

This SHITS for Reels – Gambling Edition

Michel Sargent, contributor The Gambler (1974) starts off in debt “forty-four dimes, that’s, six El Dorados.” He’s a down-on-his-luck college professor, basketball player, aggressive takes-frustration-out-on-his-mom tennis player, and is on a desperate fucked-up search for “the money” to pay back what he lost during each previous scene. I hate gambling. No actual souls were gambled in the making of Gambling …

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The Savage Henry Guide to the 2015-2016 NHL Season

The NHL season is underway, and that means that all of the several thousand fans of hockey in the United States are excited. But did you know that there is another country north of us, and it’s called Canada, and all of the people there love hockey? To appease our readers in the Great White North, here follows a rundown …

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The Scott Bowser Casino Rant

Scott Bowser, contributor Years ago I worked on a merchandising crew and spent a lot of time in the Las Vegas area.  Merchandising isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. It’s a bunch of meth addicts setting up displays in supermarkets and retail outlets, but they didn’t mind my alcoholism and we got per diem and mileage. I was quite fond …

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A Full List of the Absolut City-Infused Vodkas

Absolut Vodka is releasing a new line of vodkas infused with flavors inspired by cities. Below is a list of the new line of vodkas and the flavors they’re infused with. Absolut Seattle: Rain water and the air of superiority. Absolut Portland: A centennial hop and the sweat from a white dude’s dreads. With just a hint of dissatisfaction and …

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The Rules of Craps

Craps is one of the games with the best odds for the players. But it’s really damn confusing with “pass” and “come” and “the horn” and numbers everywhere… what does it all mean? Well, I’m here to simplify it and hopefully keep you from your money down on junk bets. My dad would tell me “That’s how they build casinos,” …

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Kenny Rogers Advice Column

Sometimes people write Kenny Rogers letters. Usually they just write fan letters that say stuff like “I love you” or “look at this picture of my butt” but every so often they write Kenny seeking advice. Why? I don’t know. Most likely because they are idiots. Kenny Rogers took the time to answer these people’s’ questions but he only had …

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Secret Stoned: Go Undercover High

Adam Jacobs, contributor Beware; THE MAN doesn’t want you to be high. I don’t want to make you paranoid but… we all know you’re high and I’m standing behind you! SIKE! Gotcha… Aww man, I’m high all the time but sometimes you don’t want folks knowing that you’re high… so here are some helpful tips for hiding your high. 1 …

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If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin Bieber, contributor (as sung to Zack Newkirk, staff) If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go. I can take you places you ain’t never been before. Baby, take a chance or you’ll never ever know. I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow. Swag, swag, swag, on you. Chillin’ by the fire while …

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Why Aliens Choose Farmers

Spencer Devine, contributor There are still those who claim that they not only believe aliens exist, but report to have been abducted and taken into space on a UFO, usually farmers in rural areas where there are no witnesses. My question is: why farmers? The aliens, I’m sure, are playing some sort of strategic game in who they choose, predominantly …

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Hello Dolly

Lydia Popovich, contributor I have what some people may refer to as an unhealthy obsession with Miss Dolly Parton. I’m not collecting loose wig hairs or buying used eyelashes on E-Bay but on several occasions I have stared through a crack in a fence at Dollywood for upwards of 2 hrs waiting for her to emerge from the Chasing Rainbows …

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