Articles

13 reasons that Jason will kill you

It’s Friday the 13th. You’re not dead. You were not drinking responsibly. You were trying to score and forgot that Jason is a goalie. For talking about his mom. He’s a muthafuckin’… Cop Killer!!!!!!!! He didn’t mean to. He told a really funny joke about Freddy and you died laughing. He didn’t appreciate it when you told him to “go …

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5 Things You’re Allowed To Do In a Funeral Parlor

Lucy Castle, contributor I’ve only been to one open-casket viewing, for family and friends, precipitated by the death of my grandpa a few years ago. It was held in a sterile, hushed environment, with fake flowers and pews set up in front of the casket. Here’s what you’re allowed to do while you’re there: Touch the dearly departed– You can …

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Shoechcuker Revelations 20:15

Choada Salinas, contributor Heaven’s gotten way too crowded. I’m sick of these endlessly multiplying sycophants. You can’t imagine how much of a whiny brat Moses is alone, let alone my rotten kid. Their followers – don’t even. The mormons are the worst. I have to give each and every one of them a planet. Seven days each multiplied by however …

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Oops! Got Your Soul

William Toblerone, Contributor Have you ever wondered what happens to us after we expire? Don’t answer that. I can’t actually hear you. It’s an important question because you are deader than you were when you started reading this sentence. In my research, I found the following accounts from fuck-ups who came back to life after being declared dead. Joe Tyler …

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Demolition Derby

Leslie Small, contributor Most people think of a Demolition Derby as a rally of drunken rednecks smashing up cheap cars for slightly cheaper thrills. A tradition so American it’s no wonder the patrons of this spectacular culturefest often don apparel adorned with the American flag in various designs, including, but not limited to, bikinis, sleeveless t-shirts, and booty shorts. It’s …

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Fun-Eral itinerary

Keith D., contributor Everyone lives and everyone dies. Most people have birthday parties. So why not have a death-day party too? Just because you won’t be there don’t deprive your loved ones from having one last epic blowout at your expense. Fuck a funeral, when I die I’m having a Fun-eral. Keith D.’s Fun-eral Itinerary: 10 Kegs (Full of specialty …

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Scientifically-Proven Speed Dating Lines

Speed dating can be scary, but luckily there are scientists to tell us how to speed-date better than we were speed dating before. Some anthropologists in Quebec undertook a 10-year study during which they researched the effectiveness of 1,000 different lines, carefully written using high inference language and buzzwords, to be used in a speed dating setting. The following were …

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Terrible Things Said by Terrible People at Funerals

“Listen, nobody loved Ernie as much as me but he knew the risks and he played it too fast and loose… He was a magician after all.” “REALLY!? You gotta be kidding me? He was killed by a flower pot dropping on his head? Was he shooting a Three Stooges short?!” “I know, like, Stacy is like, dead or whatever, …

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The Golden Years

I became a grandpa this year. I am 34. A lot of people think that to become a grandparent you have to have children who then in turn have children of their own. That is a common fallacy. In order to become a grandparent all you have to do is fall in the shower for no reason whatsoever. That is …

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It’s THE Hottest Way to Die

Adam Jacobs, contributor Hollywood has spoken, and the newest and hottest way to die is no longer the industry standard drug overdose… It’s Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Drug overdoses were all the rage for decades, with dozens of famous people dying at the top of their career. But, as we all know, Heath Ledger ruined all the mystique of an accidental drug …

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