Articles

Advanced Cooking with Wine

William Toblerone, Contributor No, I don’t think I have to tell you how to do everything. But I also know you have a tendency to fuck things up like it’s your life’s purpose. (Remember when we lost our deposit after your Hindenburg themed party?) So just follow these instructions so you won’t starve. You will need: 2  slices of bread …

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Toasts from a Wino

Keith D, contributor  Every morning, when my freshly toasted bread pops out of my toaster (AKA: trash can fire), I raise my glass of wine in the air and whimsically declare, “To toast.” I then proceed to down my glass because it’s bad luck to slow-play your toast drink. Just one of many… Toasts from a Wino: To Franzia, because …

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A Sommelier’s Guide to Toilet Wine

Pelican Bay Sauvignon Blanc When I first sipped this delicate nectar I was hit with a very round, chunky texture. The abundance of fruit cocktail and ketchup was complemented by a warm Lysol tinge that caused me to lose vision in my right eye for 45 minutes to an hour. There was a nice overtone of toffee in this wine, …

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Rock Stars Come Together to Bring “Notes of Hope” to Napa Valley

Samantha Gilweit, contributor Over 300 million dollars in damages, thousands of bottles broken, and several Chateaus brought down to rubble. These are just some of the horrifying statistics coming from the Napa earthquake that led Armando Van Trestle of Van Trestle Vineyards to throw “Notes of Hope for Napa” the largest benefit concert Napa Valley has ever seen. “People are …

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Lemme Tell You About My Fantasy Team Real Quick

Hey, I know a lot of people say this sort of thing doesn’t interest them, but I see your Eagles sweatshirt there, and you gotta hear this. I’ve been in this fantasy football league — well, I’m in like 10 fantasy leagues every year, but this one, all these guys I know, my poker buddies, couple of guys I used …

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On Corn and Why It Is Scientifically Whack

Brandon Garner, contrbutor Let’s face the facts: The American agricultural system relies on the rule of CREAM: Corn Rules Everything Around Me. Corn is the largest publicly-funded crop, and it’s some real bullshit. Yeah, corn is makin’ that cash money, it’s got my respect; game recognize game. However, I feel we should be focusing our funds and energy on other …

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Famous Harvest Quotes and Their Practical Applications

William Toblerone, contributor “If we say it long enough, eventually we’re going to reap a harvest. We’re going to get exactly what we’re saying.” – Joel Osteen Keep playing up that angle that we are talent scouts for a Baywatch reboot on TBS. Act like we’re having a little production meeting or something. I think Kitty is totally starting to …

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Hashstory

Justin Alan, Contributor So you have decided that good ol’ Ganja isn’t enough and you need to go for the gusto, which has landed you on Hash. Whether you are packing it on top of the bowl, rolling it into a joint, vaporizing it with a fancy/expensive magic wand type contraption, or pressing it onto a superheated metal nail in …

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Human Power

Spencer DeVine, Contributor With the onset of fall, farmers and businessmen alike are focused on their crops and Farmville accounts. But one local Las Vegas resident is focused on an entirely different type of harvest. “Humans should provide their own power,” said Michael Terrence, 28, self-appointed Supreme Headmaster of the Las Vegas County Alternative Energy Commission. “The Matrix had it …

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Harvest This!

Keith D, Contributor  Harvest. A time when crops of all tastes and sizes are ready to be consumed. Since the dawn of human civilization, our ancestors have celebrated the gifts that Harvest, and the miracle of nature, have provided. Farmers finally see the payoff of months of grueling… Ah, I can’t do this anymore. That garbage I wrote at the …

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