Articles

If People in Other Professions Acted Like Cops

Zeke Herrera, staff Movie Theater Attendant MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting. Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away. MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine. Me: I don’t want to pay that. MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my …

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Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod

Tommy Lucero, contributor The names Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod are synonymous with the sweet slumber that is supposed to come at the end of the day. Unfortunately I have a three ring circus that pipes up in my head as soon as I hit the pillow. In effect it makes me want to kick all three of those young men …

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Cherished Lullabies Mom Sang to Me

William Toblerone, contributor Rock a Bye Rock-a-bye baby In the tree top We’ll come down from this tree When daddy sobers up Hush Little Baby Hush little baby don’t say a goddamn word There’s bad people at the door looking for mommy When we get out of this I’ll buy you all the diamond rings you want. If them diamond …

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This SHIT’s for Reels – Dream Edition

Mike Sargent, staff If you research “Sleep. Those little slices of death. How I loathe them. – Edgar Allan Poe” the earliest actual source for that quote is Nightmare On Elm St. 3: Dream Warriors (1987), and for the record, Poe probably never actually said that. Newly back from the dead again, Freddy is suicide-inducing teens with bad jokes, claymation, …

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Got Your Number

William Toblerone, contributor Owning a Sleep Number mattress can be extremely confusing for the first few weeks as you struggle to determine which setting is right for you. Luckily, you can reference this handy guide to get the most from your stupidly extravagant rich asshole bed. Sleep Number 1: You’ve been exceptionally cordial to everyone for your entire life, but …

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Meth: It’s Ambien, but in Reverse

Ah sleep, nature’s unemployment line. You could get so much done if it wasn’t for sleep. Why haven’t you been promoted at work? Why have you not finished your great American novel? Why did your wife/husband leave you? SLEEP! You didn’t have enough time because your body gets “tired.” Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to destroy that …

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10 Best Things To Sleep with After a Break Up

Samantha Gilweit, contributor So you’re single again. And the shittiest part about being single again is sleeping by yourself. And while they could never fully replace your former significant other, here are Savage Henry’s Top Ten replacements for a human body so you’ll feel less alone: 1)   Pillow Pros: Inexpensive, readily available, inanimate so no worries about being considered too …

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The Savage Henry Trump Interview

Seth Milstein, contributor Recently I accepted a position as a staff writer for a small independent arts magazine in the pacific northwest. The name of the publication is irrelevant as it is now defunct. However, during my time there I got to write a few record reviews and a couple of editorials. My writing was edited for grammatical and punctuation …

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The K-9 Unit

I was making the 37-hour drive back to New Orleans after another dizzying weekend at the 2015 Savage Henry Comedy Festival. As is customary, I was given a hearty assortment of cannabis-based gifts, including – but not limited to – some dank nugs, shatter, dabs and a dozen highly potent rice krispie treats. Being the obsessive that I am, I …

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