Articles

Good Ol’ Uncle Levi

William Toblerone, contributor   Once again, Uncle Levi pulled out his old yearbook to show us how much potential he once had.  He was an accomplished track star and the president of his senior class. He usually skipped past the page where he was voted “Most Likely to Succeed”, because it saddened him that things didn’t go as planned. One …

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The Problem With Spotify Within the Music Industry

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor I must admit that, even while writing this, I still pay for a Spotify subscription. The “Discover Weekly” playlists, intuitive gestures, and large catalogue all make the Swedish streaming sensation an obvious choice for the smartphone-toting music lover. And, yet, there is something incredibly unsettling about the effect Spotify has on the music industry. When I first …

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Five Guys Burgers and Fries – Santa Cruz (on acid)

Josh Van Lockant, contributor   Walking in after getting up enough nerve to leave the park bench after the Hog Farm acid really kicked in, I was immediately struck by the checkered motif. It felt like I was in that “Don’t Come Around Here No More” Tom Petty video. And then I got sad about Petty and then the fucking …

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Bud Time – Humboldt Organic Gardens – Cali Sour

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors   Matt: Cali sour is this dope, funk packed nugget of straight up acidic diesel doj. The smoke gives you that nostril burn that makes you remember why you wanted to get woke to begin with. This shit will make ur third eye water like a mother fucker. 420 Greasy Lawn Darts   Evan: …

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I Pull My Pants Down When I Pee and Now I Make $12,000 a Year

Pat Dylan, contributor   Teachers had their concerns about Andy.   “He always smelled of fine French cheese, and industrial strength airplane glue,” said Mrs. Melfer, his 3rd grade teacher.   Everyone was aware of the puzzling bouquet of aromas, but soon that odd fact would be eclipsed by his propensity to drop trow like George Michael in a truck …

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11 Easy Excuses to Give Cops

Just think of the paperwork. I’m allergic to whatever your handcuffs are made out of. Oh, I didn’t know robbing that bank was illegal. What do you mean my window was only down 4 inches? I’m very certain that’s 6 inches. Evan Vest did it. Well, this American Bald Eagle wasn’t going to ride itself. Prove it. How could I …

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Childhood Abandonment Issues

Zeke Herrera, staff   People often accuse me of being distrusting and distant, and those serial killers can get the fuck away from me, but they might have a point. When I was a kid my parents would fight constantly over everything (money, cleaning; Friday the 13th was the best). One night my dad got real drunk. I was in …

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A new line of flavors from Jelly Belly

If you haven’t had the experience of eating a jelly bean that tastes like vomit, or rotten eggs or pencil shavings then you haven’t lived. The Fairfield-based Jelly Belly company is on the cutting edge of odd flavors. When we told them we were doing a “Sex” issue they rolled out a new line of flavors celebrating the adult film …

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Michael Winslow’s Guide to STDs

Scared to talk to your parents about sex? Worried your teachers might ridicule you if you don’t know everything about mating? Don’t worry, because Michael Winslow the “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” and star of the Police Academy films has put together an easy to use guide for you to reference when you think you may have contracted something bad …

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The History of Presidents as Dictated by Siri

As Americans we all have one thing in common, we all love the presidents! We all know Obama is a huge babe and everyone wants to touch his dingaling and suck his farts. However did you know that he’s not the first President? The first President of United States was the great Daniel Day Lewis. He freed the slaves from …

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