Articles

Peace Activist Booed Off The Stage

(ed-note – This is a whole lot funnier (hopefully) if you read the quotes from Ramano like Mario…it’s also mildly racist, you know, like Mario)   Marco Ramano, famed peace activist from Italy, was booed off a stage at cannabis expo Saturday right in the middle of a speech about the Syrian conflict. “I a don’t-a know what-a happened,” Ramano …

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Aloha Friends!

Pineapple (translated by Paul Danke), contributor It is I, the Pineapple. The King of Fruits. And oh sure, maybe you’re not into the whole monarchy malarkey, but let me assure you we’re not talking about Queen Elizabeth and her dang bloomers here, we’re talking about a crown growing out of my own head here people. Naturally. Divine. Ya feel?   …

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Pete’s Saw

Cornell Reid, staff   When I heard the theme for this issue was all focused on Pete’s saw I was so excited. I mean how could you not be? Pete’s saw is so fucking dope! But the saw isn’t the only thing that’s special; Pete’s story is pretty special too. I can’t believe you guys not only know Pete, but …

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The Delicious Ones

Zeke Herrera, staff   (The following is a transcription of a new documentary on Netflix)   Brooklyn, 1982   It was a time of innovation. The internet was yet to be invented. Hip-Hop was in it’s ho-slappin’ infancy and it would be only five more years until 1987.   Eddie Murphy: When I had first heard about pizza… I didn’t …

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Our Own Savage Henry Pizza Tips!

Jane Malone, contributor Did you get conned into making dinner for your albatross of a family yet again? We’ve got six easy tips for making sure that even the easiest meal is heaped with a smothering of shame, just like Mom used to serve! Make sure they know how long this project took. “Dinner doesn’t just appear by magic.” Say …

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That’s Not How You Do It, Dickbrain

William Toblerone, contributor   Let me help you out, you imbecile. It actually causes me pain to watch you struggle with your myriad of deficiencies. If you’re going to make white clam pizza in an authentic undersea oven, you’d better just stop your flailing and follow my instructions.   Since you let your floating countertop drift out in that riptide, …

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Come to California: Tourism Guide

If you haven’t heard of California yet — what, have you been living under a rock?!?? You gotta come here, baby! And when you do, here’s the stuff you ABSOLUTELY ARE REQUIRED to see!   THE OCEAN This is one of the seven seas, baby — the Pacific one! It’s hot and heavy, with rolling waves and all the fish …

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Vengeance Night – A Short Story by WeRateDogs

(It’s a wet n boomin night. Doggo sniks into kitchen to snorp some water. Suddenly, a puppers leaps out of the shadows) DOGGO: H*ck fren, u scarin me PUPPERS: That’s my plan, fren DOGGO: What u meanin puppers PUPPERS: I read the letter in ur desk at work, Doggo. I know u borked my wife DOGGO: Whoops PUPPERS: U borked …

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The 10 Pizza Commandments

Adam Jacobs, contributor   Look, we all know that Noah was full of shit and the 10 commandments weren’t really about morals and whatnot, they were about pizza. The glorious food that is bound to be President one day, if we are lucky. Stop trying to act like you wouldn’t vote for pizza.   Anyway, Jesus was crazy about pizza. …

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A Final Pizza Party for Our Savior

Aaron Matthess, contributor Jesus knew how to appropriately party with the best of them! I’m sure some of you have heard about “the water getting turned to wine,” but many people have no idea that Jesus encouraged the evolution of Pizza. Remember, the Romans ruled the land during J.C.’s days on Earth, and they had introduced specialty dishes that needed …

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