Articles

European Wang Wrappers and Banana Hammocks

Tommy Lucero, contributor Banana Hammocks. Slut Slings. The ever impressive Penis Patch. Whatever the fashion faux pas you want to eye-screw your fellow humans with this season, make sure it’s both nauseating and overwhelmingly offensive, as I’m sure that’s the whole point of the swimsuit. I personally don’t leave my backyard wading pool, since that’s where the two liter of …

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Why The O.C. Is the Best and You Can Too!

Justin Gomes, contributor FACT – The O.C. had a dope as hell soundtrack. The O.C. Mix albums, containing songs featured on the show, often reached Billboard’s top lists. And when I say often, I mean ALL OF THEM. They damn near had the entirety of Good News For People Who Love Bad News play throughout the show and that alone …

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This SHIT’s for Reels – Safety Edition

Mike Sargent, Staff Halloween Safety (1977) shows how unsafe and crappy a little girl’s witch costume is, and how she’ll probably die unless she turns into a princess with safety reflectors. The nice synth soundtrack gets you through the accompanying strangers-will-poison/razor-blade-you propaganda. A cheap-looking crone who “never wanted to be a dirty old witch” cackles and schemes to “reverse everything” …

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Costco, Tahiti, and American Safety

Costco is the Holy Land of 21st century America. We revere its high-ceilinged isles. We worship at its photo lab and in its optometry section. Its priestesses give us this day our daily yogurt-covered raisins and meatball samples. It is the string that ties America’s middle class together. Yes! My veggie straws are your veggie straws. It is the nice …

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Bitter Police Forces Drop New “Fuck the Public” EP

Sam Greenspan, contributor After years of being accused of every ill in the nation on a ground level while still being called upon to help out and get their hands dirty whenever an actual problem is present, the United States’ police forces, from coast to coast, decided to express their collective woes by dipping their feet in the cleansing waters …

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The Wisdom of Dick Vitale

The venerable Dick Vitale, ex-college coach and current color analyst luminary, is nearly 200 years old. What have we learned from this pillar of basketball industry in the past century of televised collegiate hoops? — Yeah, baby! — Slam-a-lama-ding-dong! — Diaper dandy, gimme some candy! — Wacka-lacka-boogie-baloom! — Call a roofer, ‘cuz the ceiling just caved in, baby! — I …

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Ladies, Look Twice at the Dog Catcher

Dog catchers get an unfair shake. They run around, literally catching animals with rabies so that they don’t bite you and they just aren’t receiving the respect they deserve. Why aren’t people marrying them? Here is a breakdown of how women think about occupations and their animal occupation counterpart when they are talking with their drunk girlfriends at a bar; …

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Fast and Easy Pizza Recipe for Busy Weeknights

From the desk of the New York Times Food Editor   No one has enough time. We have to work, take the kids to soccer practice, harp lessons, Juilliard tryouts, and after all that, meet with our assessor to haggle over prices for any Jean-Guillaume Deshupartrie (the Brooklyn artist, not the French-Albanian mass-murderer) piece we might want in our foyer. …

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If People in Other Professions Acted Like Cops

Zeke Herrera, staff Movie Theater Attendant MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting. Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away. MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine. Me: I don’t want to pay that. MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my …

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Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod

Tommy Lucero, contributor The names Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod are synonymous with the sweet slumber that is supposed to come at the end of the day. Unfortunately I have a three ring circus that pipes up in my head as soon as I hit the pillow. In effect it makes me want to kick all three of those young men …

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