Articles

Bristling with Excrement (Fair Trade)

William Toblerone, contributor   Can I tell you how I got this emotional support squirrel? No! Can I tell you where we left the golf cart? Hella No! Can I tell you if the iRobot Roomba 890 is better than the Hoover Quest 700?  Hold my beer. Now hold my syringes.   I’m not going to just check Consumer Reports. …

Read More »

Safeway Monopoly Tickets and the Children I Would Sell to Get Them

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Safeway, along with many other grocery store chains, offers not only loyalty cards, but they also have a yearly game where they give you a folded paper Monopoly board that opens up to reveal a full Monopoly game board. This board has squares, and each square has multiple slots with different products. Your goal is to get …

Read More »

A Fun Final Farewell

Trevor Lockwood, contributor   So a loved one is finally cashing in their big lotto ticket in the sky. Now is the time to honor them they way that they’ve always wanted, with one last game of chance. It’s a raffle and boy howdy are there prizes to be won! It only takes a few easy steps to get a …

Read More »

The 2017 Drug Awards

Evan Vest, contributor   2017 was a great year for drugs. The world started falling to shit and the young people decided to get high. Here are the best things that really enhanced our drug experiences in 2017. Best Experience on Molly Award – That Fancy Hotel Carpet You guys remember how GOOD that carpet felt! Man, I wish my …

Read More »

Earning Your Participation Trophy the Hard Way

Mike Spiegelman, contributor   Don’t show up. Then, at the last minute, show up.   Show up but be a fucking dick about it.   Don’t look at your phone.   Win Grand Prize Trophy. Demand you also want a Participation Trophy.   Ask to receive the Participation Trophy last because you double booked ceremonies and you have another ceremony …

Read More »

Savage Henry Magazine’s Person Of The Year Award

Cory Barringer, contributor   In December of this last year, Time Magazine announced their annual Person of The Year would be a platform to recognize not only a single person but rather a concept — a movement, really — that has steadily grown in momentum: The Silence Breakers. Women that have bravely spoken out about their experiences with sexual harassment …

Read More »

What Not To Say at an Oscar Party

“Hey, that Oprah, huh? What a bitch, right?”   “I wonder where Harvey is tonight? Was really hoping to get some face time in.”   “Why yes, I do have a couch in my office…why don’t you come in for an audition this week?”   “Yeah, I was a producer on Little Nicky.”   “I don’t have any cocaine.”   …

Read More »

Games and the Games That Game Them

Trevor Lockwood, contributor   Since the beginning of time, toys have existed, obviously. Ya know, since your parents weren’t all too bored before your funky face came to be, they had toys growing up as well! Some of my favorite toys have just been revamped trinkets of yesteryear. Take the ancient stick. When I was growing up I played with …

Read More »

Top 15 Cracker Jack Prizes

Jaclyn Weiand, contributor   According to wikipedia, Cracker Jack discontinued physical prizes in 2016. Did anyone tell me before I started this thrilling piece of investigative journalism about Cracker Jack prizes? Short answer: no. Long answer: hell no! I didn’t learn until AFTER I bought 40 bags of the stuff and went rooting through each bag like the eager racoon …

Read More »