Articles

Bitter Police Forces Drop New “Fuck the Public” EP

Sam Greenspan, contributor After years of being accused of every ill in the nation on a ground level while still being called upon to help out and get their hands dirty whenever an actual problem is present, the United States’ police forces, from coast to coast, decided to express their collective woes by dipping their feet in the cleansing waters …

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The Wisdom of Dick Vitale

The venerable Dick Vitale, ex-college coach and current color analyst luminary, is nearly 200 years old. What have we learned from this pillar of basketball industry in the past century of televised collegiate hoops? — Yeah, baby! — Slam-a-lama-ding-dong! — Diaper dandy, gimme some candy! — Wacka-lacka-boogie-baloom! — Call a roofer, ‘cuz the ceiling just caved in, baby! — I …

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Ladies, Look Twice at the Dog Catcher

Dog catchers get an unfair shake. They run around, literally catching animals with rabies so that they don’t bite you and they just aren’t receiving the respect they deserve. Why aren’t people marrying them? Here is a breakdown of how women think about occupations and their animal occupation counterpart when they are talking with their drunk girlfriends at a bar; …

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Fast and Easy Pizza Recipe for Busy Weeknights

From the desk of the New York Times Food Editor   No one has enough time. We have to work, take the kids to soccer practice, harp lessons, Juilliard tryouts, and after all that, meet with our assessor to haggle over prices for any Jean-Guillaume Deshupartrie (the Brooklyn artist, not the French-Albanian mass-murderer) piece we might want in our foyer. …

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If People in Other Professions Acted Like Cops

Zeke Herrera, staff Movie Theater Attendant MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting. Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away. MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine. Me: I don’t want to pay that. MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my …

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Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod

Tommy Lucero, contributor The names Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod are synonymous with the sweet slumber that is supposed to come at the end of the day. Unfortunately I have a three ring circus that pipes up in my head as soon as I hit the pillow. In effect it makes me want to kick all three of those young men …

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Cherished Lullabies Mom Sang to Me

William Toblerone, contributor Rock a Bye Rock-a-bye baby In the tree top We’ll come down from this tree When daddy sobers up Hush Little Baby Hush little baby don’t say a goddamn word There’s bad people at the door looking for mommy When we get out of this I’ll buy you all the diamond rings you want. If them diamond …

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This SHIT’s for Reels – Dream Edition

Mike Sargent, staff If you research “Sleep. Those little slices of death. How I loathe them. – Edgar Allan Poe” the earliest actual source for that quote is Nightmare On Elm St. 3: Dream Warriors (1987), and for the record, Poe probably never actually said that. Newly back from the dead again, Freddy is suicide-inducing teens with bad jokes, claymation, …

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Got Your Number

William Toblerone, contributor Owning a Sleep Number mattress can be extremely confusing for the first few weeks as you struggle to determine which setting is right for you. Luckily, you can reference this handy guide to get the most from your stupidly extravagant rich asshole bed. Sleep Number 1: You’ve been exceptionally cordial to everyone for your entire life, but …

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Meth: It’s Ambien, but in Reverse

Ah sleep, nature’s unemployment line. You could get so much done if it wasn’t for sleep. Why haven’t you been promoted at work? Why have you not finished your great American novel? Why did your wife/husband leave you? SLEEP! You didn’t have enough time because your body gets “tired.” Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to destroy that …

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