Articles

New Jersey Guy’s Opinion on California Pizza, Part 217

Drew Jersey, contributor   Did you see this shit? A company from California has invented a robot that makes, bakes, and delivers pizza pies. What the fuck. Everyone knows the best pizza-making-and-delivery-robots come from the East Coast. There’s no way Californian pizza-making-and-delivery-robots are better than pizza-making-and-delivery-robots from New Jersey. No way. First off, the crust. The crust that accumulates around …

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Pizza Illuminati

Papa John? Little Caesars? Round Table? Pizza Hut? Domino’s? What pizza does the Illuminati prefer?   If you said Little Caesars then you would be correct.   Let’s be honest, the Illuminati doesn’t have time to wait around for a pizza to cook; they have the entire world to run! That’s why, when they need pizza, they choose Little Caesars. …

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CHICAGO DEEP DISH vs A PLATE OF KNIVES

Dave Losso, contributor   CRUST Chicago Deep Dish – thick, buttery, bottom gets soggy 🙁 A Plate of Knives – handles are made of wood   GENERAL APPEARANCE Chicago Deep Dish – imposing; notice the sauce covers the cheese but, surprise, there is cheese A Plate of Knives – shimmering, dangerous, inviting, totally understand why this is the favorite of …

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Matt’s Pizza Recipe

Homemade Pizza Dough: One 1/4-ounce package active dry leeches 1/2 cup lukewarm   1 tablespoon hummus 1 1/4 cups all-purpose floor powder, (stuff they use to clean up puke) plus more for dusting 1/4 cup wood polish 3 cups bread snails 2 teaspoons Kevin Costner salt 3/4 cups stone cold   Red Sauce: 2 tablespoons spit 4 cloves cigarettes, finely …

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Patsy’s Pizzeria and Bar

Somewhere in New York City Asking a New Yorker where you can find the best pizza in Manhattan is a loaded question. Last month I decided to fly to New York to do just that. The New Yorker I chose to ask that question took me to a place that they very specifically said was in the “top three” of …

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The Rise and Fall of Munch’s Make Believe Band

Evan Vest, contributor The early 90s saw the birth of a new era of alternative rock, and no other band encapsulated this experimental phase more than Munch’s Make Believe Band. Getting their start in a grimey Chuck E. Cheese establishment in San Jose, CA, the Make Believe Band sought to re-invent the already vibrant animatronic rock movement made popular by …

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Crazy Bread: A Descent Into Madness

(excerpts from a diary written by an unknown loaf of bread)   Day 1: Oh boy! Dough no more. Look at me, a fresh loaf just straight chillin’ on the shelf.   Day 3: A lot of the loads I cooled with are gone. Don’t know where they went, but it’s cool.   Day 6: They moved me today, to …

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Do You Have Any Brothers or Sisters?

And Nine Other Lead-In Questions to Get Kids to Reveal Their Family’s Dirty Secrets Tiffany Greysen, contributor   Because people are people, we can’t help ourselves. We are nosy and want to know what the Joneses are up to. Here are a few questions you can ask unsuspecting kids to get them to air their family’s dirty, dirty underwear. Kids …

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New Names for Stuff

Zeke Herrera, staff   I don’t know about you guys but I’m sick of all these goddamn words. How am I supposed to remember all of them? I’ve decided that I never will. So here’s some stuff I renamed to help me out. Feel free to let me know which ones you like and we’ll get a petition started to …

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How to Maximize Your Carnival Experience

Evan Vest, contributor   It’s county fair season, and there’s no better way to make summer memories than riding puke machines assembled by disgruntled carnies. Since you’ve made the choice to die, why not end your journey with these fun carnival tips?!!   Before you take your seat on the Zipper, look the ride carnie in the face and say, …

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