Articles

Creepy Toys for Children

Ray Flynn, staff               Teddy Ruxpin – Creepy Mo-Fo that talks and rolls his eyes around. Need I say more?               Furby – Another talking beast with wandering eyes. This one however, is definitely plotting against you. Especially if you have more than one. Howdy Doody – When …

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Where Are They Now? Interview with Slinky

Keith D, contributor   I recently got to catch up with my childhood hero, Slinky. As we all know, Slinky had fallen into some dark times, but during our interview he was lucid, articulate, and downright charming. So without further ado, here is the unedited transcript of our conversation:   KD: Slinky, it’s great to see you, and I must …

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Bud Time – Strain: Hot Berry – Grower: Sunrise Mountain Farms

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors           Strain: Hot Berry Grower: Sunrise Mountain Farms   Redbeard: It’s a total mindfuck. You get caught up in this very flavorful bouquet of berries and like, pepper and cheesecake, then you realize that you’re levitating and your third eye is way wide open and hella bloodshot. I’ve never gotten …

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The Louis C.K. Action Figure!

Cornell Reid and Chris Durant, contributors                   With Cum-Fu Grip!   Shows up at your house whether you ordered it or not!   Fits most doorways.   One pack of “Rope Shooter Goo” refill bottle included.   You don’t even play with the action figure, you just watch it play with itself. …

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Star Wars Action Figures We’d Like to See

You can find some obscure Star Wars action figures out there, some of characters that don’t even have screen time and are only referenced in a comic book. Well, if they’re gonna do action figures, they should make figures for these unsung heroes of the Star Wars universe.                 Princess Leia’s Hairdresser There’s …

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Zombie Bunny

Aaron Pitcher, contributor   HUMBOLDT COUNTY, NV – A whole new means of amusement opened up Tuesday for Union Township resident Michael “Mikey” Rasmussen, Jr., 5, when he discovered that his parents’ glass water pipe, valued at $149.99 from Purple Haze Gift & Boutique, made what in his mind amounts to one sweet ray gun.   The child, described variably …

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How to Receive Terrible Gifts from Your Family

Paul Danke, contributor   Receiving terrible gifts is a curse on the aloof. While some people can say “Thank you” and everyone believes them, we cursed kids from the back of the class can never seem to make people feel appreciated. Sure, the gifts suck, and believe me, they know the gifts suck. It’s your bad behavior: your sighs, your …

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Top 5 Hottest Toys of 2017

Gage Hensley, contributor                 Kevin Spacey ActIon Figure Denies any allegation that slightly involves him. With Kung-Fu grip that works on anyone who works under him and a button that turns him gay at will.             Mike Pence Toy Roomba Cleans up political messes you create through any …

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Celebrity Snacks Unclassified

Celebs are just like us. They wear jean shorts. They pound off. And baby, you better believe they love to snack! But what do they snack ON? That’s the question that has kept philosophers up all night for thousands of years. Famous people are usually rich, so does that mean they all eat caviar and carpaccio di cavallo in between …

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