Articles

Award Winning Interview with A Vampire

I had the opportunity to meet and interview a real live vampire recently. It was incredible. Pulitzer prize, here I come. Here’s the transcript of our chat. SAVAGE HENRY: Thank you for meeting with me again. After I met you the first time at the farmer’s market, I was thrilled. I called my editors the second I walked away, and …

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The Worst Relationship I Ever Had

Josh Barnes, contributor How did we get to this point? I mean we were practically inseparable. Truth be told I love you, I love you more than I actually hate you. Sometimes I reminisce on how close we were, the things we use to do, you know the good ole days when we were young and dumb together. Like in …

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Obama’s Day Out

Chapter 1 Obama tapped his pencil on his desk. He was bored. “This sucks, man,” he said to no one in particular. It was hard to be Obama. He had to do laws and sign things, make treaties, meet the foreign guys, etc etc. He needed a break, big time. The oval room was lonely today, but he could see …

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The Night I Spoke with Jesco

Evan Vest, contributor I remember the night Appalachian outlaw tap dancer Jesco White came to me in my dreams. I was sitting on an antique rocking chair, forlorn and pained with memories of lost loves. From down the hallway I heard a rhythmic tapping. I followed the sound and saw a man in a confederate flag baseball cap and long …

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A Real Downer

Drugs are like stealing your parent’s car. The more fun you have in the car, the more screwed you are when your parents get it back. You can get away with it a few times, but after a while the repercussions are not worth than the joy ride and you are stealing the car to get to work to pay …

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Narcan Is a Buzzkill

Keith D. contributor I came out of the warm numbing haze slowly, seeing 4 or 5 men standing above me. For a moment I thought they were my friends. Then I noticed the uniforms. “Look who decides to wake up,” said the cop as a paramedic was pulling a syringe out of my arm. “What are you doing in my …

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Did I Take Too Much Acid or Not Enough

Is that a pterodactyl or did the sky just break open in a really trippy way? It could just be a cloud, or maybe when those dudes said Jesus was coming back, they meant meant Jurassic. They sound similar. Why is the moon so bright? It’s probably because of the fluorescent lights that are inside what the moon truly is: …

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Scott Bowser’s Retirement Plan

Scott Bowser, contributor Retirement is something no one likes thinking about, as it usually involves a colostomy bag and watching all your friends die. When you finally reach the point where sitting in a chair and watching your “stories” is the only thing your pulse beats for, you’ll want to make sure you can take care of yourself, or at …

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How To Eat

If you’re new to this whole eating thing, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how to keep from making a fool of yourself when you’re dining: ONLY EAT THE FOOD This tip gets by some people — especially women. If you are eating the silverware or the other diners, you are doing it wrong. Look for the things like …

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16 Times an Epic Frederic Chopin Track Made Us Say OMG

Nobody can tickle the keys, the piano keys, like Frederic Chopin. He’s the soundtrack to our parties, and our doulas listen to his songs when they are pulling our blood-soaked babies out of the pools we birth them in. Here are the Chopin tracks that made us look up from our phones and say zOMG: Op. 10 No. 7: Etude …

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