Articles

Cherished Lullabies Mom Sang to Me

William Toblerone, contributor Rock a Bye Rock-a-bye baby In the tree top We’ll come down from this tree When daddy sobers up Hush Little Baby Hush little baby don’t say a goddamn word There’s bad people at the door looking for mommy When we get out of this I’ll buy you all the diamond rings you want. If them diamond …

Read More »

This SHIT’s for Reels – Dream Edition

Mike Sargent, staff If you research “Sleep. Those little slices of death. How I loathe them. – Edgar Allan Poe” the earliest actual source for that quote is Nightmare On Elm St. 3: Dream Warriors (1987), and for the record, Poe probably never actually said that. Newly back from the dead again, Freddy is suicide-inducing teens with bad jokes, claymation, …

Read More »

Got Your Number

William Toblerone, contributor Owning a Sleep Number mattress can be extremely confusing for the first few weeks as you struggle to determine which setting is right for you. Luckily, you can reference this handy guide to get the most from your stupidly extravagant rich asshole bed. Sleep Number 1: You’ve been exceptionally cordial to everyone for your entire life, but …

Read More »

Meth: It’s Ambien, but in Reverse

Ah sleep, nature’s unemployment line. You could get so much done if it wasn’t for sleep. Why haven’t you been promoted at work? Why have you not finished your great American novel? Why did your wife/husband leave you? SLEEP! You didn’t have enough time because your body gets “tired.” Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to destroy that …

Read More »

10 Best Things To Sleep with After a Break Up

Samantha Gilweit, contributor So you’re single again. And the shittiest part about being single again is sleeping by yourself. And while they could never fully replace your former significant other, here are Savage Henry’s Top Ten replacements for a human body so you’ll feel less alone: 1)   Pillow Pros: Inexpensive, readily available, inanimate so no worries about being considered too …

Read More »

The Savage Henry Trump Interview

Seth Milstein, contributor Recently I accepted a position as a staff writer for a small independent arts magazine in the pacific northwest. The name of the publication is irrelevant as it is now defunct. However, during my time there I got to write a few record reviews and a couple of editorials. My writing was edited for grammatical and punctuation …

Read More »

The K-9 Unit

I was making the 37-hour drive back to New Orleans after another dizzying weekend at the 2015 Savage Henry Comedy Festival. As is customary, I was given a hearty assortment of cannabis-based gifts, including – but not limited to – some dank nugs, shatter, dabs and a dozen highly potent rice krispie treats. Being the obsessive that I am, I …

Read More »

Award Winning Interview with A Vampire

I had the opportunity to meet and interview a real live vampire recently. It was incredible. Pulitzer prize, here I come. Here’s the transcript of our chat. SAVAGE HENRY: Thank you for meeting with me again. After I met you the first time at the farmer’s market, I was thrilled. I called my editors the second I walked away, and …

Read More »

The Worst Relationship I Ever Had

Josh Barnes, contributor How did we get to this point? I mean we were practically inseparable. Truth be told I love you, I love you more than I actually hate you. Sometimes I reminisce on how close we were, the things we use to do, you know the good ole days when we were young and dumb together. Like in …

Read More »