Articles

Humboldt’s Most Eligible Bachelor – April 2013

Emily Hobelmann, contributor  It’s spring! Flowers are blooming everywhere, and they smell amazing. But then S.H.I.T. caught a whiff of a sweet-something-else in the air. We followed the scent all the way down to Southern Humboldt, and lo! We found… Kelby, 41, Hospitality Specialist, Garberville  Kelby is one dreamy slice of man-pie with his dark-eyes and warm, café au lait …

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Statistically Speaking

Statistics is the most fun branch of the formal sciences. If it was a real branch it would be about 3-feet off the ground, cut off 8 inches from the tree and covered in a lubed condom. Oh my Jesus…..this is what writing is like after half of a bottle of Pino Greej. That’s what my girlfriends and I call …

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Buns n’ Hoses

The New Incarnation of Guns n’ Roses  We received some shocking news today in the music world. Axl Rose has come out of the closet and decided to rename his band “Buns n’ Hoses.” In a statement obtained by our staff, Axl said, “my lyrical content and song titles will now reflect my new lifestyle. I feel my art is …

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Great Scientists In History Or, Other Reasons These Guys Were Awesome

Danny Felts, contributor William Sanford Nye, or, “Bill Nye The Science Guy”: In the spirit of impartiality I must confess that this section is going to be the one thing that any good scientific inquiry shouldn’t be: biased. Trust me, it’s not because it’s my goal to be impartial. Nobody wants that. It’s the same quality that allows drunk bros …

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The Elements of Tables

When I learned this issue was about Science, I was excited. I’ve always wanted to do a story on one of the most intriguing aspects of science, the Elements of Tables. Tables are usually a flat surface, propped up off the ground by anywhere from two to six support beams, commonly referred to as “legs.” Tables can be a variety …

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A Savage Henry Classic: “The Quiet Menace of B.S.C.O.O.T.B.”

by Health page editor Dr. Jeffrey Calhoun (from the April 1953 issue of Savage Henry)  Hello again from the hallowed halls of medicine, readers. I want to talk to you today about a very serious medical condition that’s affecting more and more Americans at an alarming rate. Why, the first time I read about in a whites- only medical journal, …

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Timeline of Scientific Achievement

Tony Persico, contributor This timeline focuses on the most important and most influential achievements, inventions, and advances that have occurred over the last 200 years. I performed several minutes of research to ensure that every detail is factually accurate, because I care enough to educate as well as entertain. But then I got bored around the year 2000 and stopped …

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Dr. Shoechucker: The Science of God’s Love

Choada Salinas, contributor Considering all this blasphemy about whether or not those godless heathen homos should be allowed to wed under the same holy institution that has given me my three wives and 16 children, it only stands to reason that I would be angry. How dare the state afford the same rights to people who like different sex than …

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Fancylad in All of Us: My Dreamed up Conversation with Chris Elliott

Josh: Hey Chris Elliott, thanks for being in my dreams and stuff. Out of all the quasi- washed up stars that would insert themselves into my unconscious mind, I never thought it would be you, the Fancy Lad from Cabin Boy. Chris Elliott: I’m not even going to begin to ask how I got here, and I’ve totally done stuff since …

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