Census Results: Most Popular Tattoos of 2014

My Government day job (I clean toilets at the jail) has given me access to the most secret files and folders that Big Brother has to offer. I sussed it all out (a guy left some papers in a stall in the downstairs men’s room), and I calculated what the most important recent census data shows. For your reading pleasure, I present the most popular tattoos of the past census year:


10: A unicorn shopping for AAA batteries at Walgreens (left biceps)

9: The signing of the Declaration of Independence, but with characters from the Garfield comic strip in place of the founding fathers (abdomen)

8: A welfare check (left shoulder)

7: A portrait of one’s dead child (chest)

6: Marcel Proust eating a bagel (penis)

5: Borat, with thumbs up, saying, “My wife” (right biceps)

4: Scott Bacula riding a Razor scooter (left calf)

3: Saturn Devouring His Son, by Goya (tramp stamp)

2: A butterfly (ankle)

1: A Razor scooter riding Scott Bakula (neck)

About Zack Newkirk


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