Chain stores we’d rather see at the Balloon Track

With all this talk about the Balloon Track and “Arkley this” and “Coastal Commission that,” we here at Savage Henry say scratch that Home Depot bullshit idea and consider some businesses that we actually want and will meet very little resistance from the public — well, at least from us here at Savage Henry. While we’d prefer to keep things the way they are, if we must have them, at least give us the ones we want.

Trader Joe’s. A huge bag of frozen mango chunks for like $3. Need I say more? Plus, the Co-op sucks and is evil and can fuck off.

In-N-Out Burger. We have plenty of great burger places here, but In-N-Out is In-N-Out.

Hooters. Wings and boobies. And beer.

Dave & Buster’s. I’ve never actually been in one of these places, but from what I understand it has everything Scandia has, but with beer. Come on. Once I actually step foot in one, my expectations are so high it’s probably gonna suck.

Lanesplitter Pizza. Since the rest of the world considers Humboldt part of the San Francisco Bay area anyway, just go ahead and open a branch of deliciousness up here. Have you had this stuff from the East Bay?

Runza. The Midwestern fast-food Hot Pocket. How could you go wrong there? You had me at Midwestern.

Scandia (or something to that effect). Miniature golf, arcade, Lil’ Indy raceway. What is there for kids to do up here? Meth and 3 a.m. petty theft? Tell me that place wouldn’t be packed every day, rain or shine, if it opened up here. Nearly every time someone tries to create a miniature golf course, it’s a strip of tattered AstroTurf from their grandparents’ back porch and a coffee cup. Pointless. No area is complete without a miniature windmill for kids to glare at as they whiz by on the freeway.

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