William Toblerone, contributor
Back long ago, and I mean way back when gasoline still had to be refrigerated, I went through my punk phase to defy all of the fascist, nurturing, supportive adults that were oppressing me with unconditional love. One of the frequent flyers on my tape deck was Chaos U.K., a raw band that summed up my angst toward my lack of Air Jordans and the piggy pigs that wouldn’t let us “adolescents” drive. So when I got an opportunity to interview former frontman Simon Greenham at his home in Des Moines, I literally trickled thick stinkjuice. Here are some excerpts from our two-part interview.
WT: Simon, it’s an honor to sit with you.
SG: Run that by me again mate, I’ve got a crucifix-dagger piercing that slices right through my auditory nerve (points to ankle).
WT: I said it’s an honor to sit with you.
SG: Well I’ve got a boner to shit on you as well, you dodgy pud.
WT: How did you arrive at the title of your new release “Should’ve Been Born a Ragweed?”
SG: Well Totalbone, I got to thinking, when ragweed spews its pollen all out into the wind it’s considered a tolerable nuisance, right? But when I’m doing one of my Solo Acoustic Chaos shows at the local cafe, and I blast MY reproductive seeds all over the patrons during the encore, it’s considered a major bloody offense by the police! Why don’t I have the same rights as a fucking ragweed? Why?
WT: And why have your recent lyrics been so critical of the American car industry?
SG: I mean, it’s like, what are these wankers making American head gaskets out of? The fucking crown jewels? How can I fucking gig without my Taurus?
WT: Could you comment on your current legal battle?
SG: Oh this shite again. I told those fascists on the school board that the common core curriculum is rubbish, but the only language they seem to understand is a healthy serving of arson. Give my boy a fair chance next time you bastards.
WT: But how do you justify… (At this point Simon starts sobbing uncontrollably and then insists that I say he’s pretty. I exit uncomfortably and the interview resumes four months later.)
WT: Hey! Simon! Didn’t expect to see you here! Good to see you again. I just need to deposit this check.
SG: Right away. And would you be interested in hearing about one of our money-saving low interest mortgages?
WT: Are the rates really that low?
SG: (whispering) Lower than any of those other fucking fascists in town, I’ll guarantee you that one.