The Cinematic Garbage of the 90s

Michel Sargent, contributor

The 1990s were garbage. Bush immediately led us to war and Clinton tried to out(desert)fox us by liquidating his Lewinsky Humidor Inc stock. I spent the 90s learning about the 80s, 70s, 60s etc. and ignored the devolving popular “culture” trying desperately to perpetually remix what’s already done.

In the beginning, Aliens created mankind in the shape of the ultimate organic weapon that can change into super monster soldiers (Genesis 6: 66). Today, a corporation of alien descent forms for world domination. In enters The Guyver (1992), a device to turn an unsuspecting martial arts lame-ass into a monster-fighting super badass. I’d watch any comic-based film directed by a guy named Screaming Mad George, especially if a hilariously mustachioed Mark Hamill is in it.

When I found out Brian Trenchard-Smith (Escape 2000, Stunt Rock) directed Leprechauns 3 & 4 I skipped the first two and started 3 (1994), which has Warwick Davis periodically biting off body parts of a Las Vegas pawn shop owner and gambling with priests. After the electrocution by (spoiler!) sexbot, it was curious to see Davis reincarnated in Leprechaun In Space (1996) as a lightsaber-carrying anti-mining space terrorist who can heal himself with piss and become sheriff. Pursued by an angry religious metal-plated space sergeant with bad space f/x, Davis, the leprechaun who wanted to be space king, is accidentally gigantified. Double rad!

Bad-acting Jesse Ventura has his “The Body” enhanced by ozone-radiating his skeletal structure to become an 11,862 year old Abraxas – Guardian Of The Universe (1990). Total lack of budget, a renegade cop looking for an anti-life equation baby, Ventura getting beat up a lot, and a hilariously drawn out venereal disease joke make this movie a wiener.

Troll 2 (1992) was the best worst movie event of the 90s and gave us the formula for hilarity: Non-English-speaking Italian director writes English script PLUS director and Italian-speaking crew force Midwestern non-actors to act script verbatim MINUS trolls (they’re actually goblins) EQUALS comedy gold. “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD,” look it up!

Brain Twisters (1991) has a cool synthesizer soundtrack, Atari-quality special f/x, and a totally 90s creepiness to it. With atrocious 90s big hair, acid wash wardrobe, and painful color scheme this film perfectly illustrates the absolute worst of the decade. A corporation producing “high-quality video games and hi-def TV” is using colorful Atari montage brainwashing to create mind-control software, the side-effects being young college students turned into psychopathic murder-monsters. This movie has got some “bad vapors that need released!”

Timebomb (1991) is a well shot and choreographed piece of weird that starts with a dinner-party-turned-clay-head-massacre, then moves to a man religious-metaphoring himself through a Virgin Mary tapestry to save a woman and child from burning alive. He becomes assassin-prone with sexy Hungarian flashbacks because of politics and psychedelic mind punishment. At one point he walks out of an elevator that has a sign saying “ONLY This Elevator Services Garbage”. Oh, the 90s…

 

 

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