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Transcript from the March 19th, 2496 Headlines Tonight Show

Matt Gubser, contributor

Thank you, loyal viewers, for joining us for tonight’s broadcast.

In news from Washington, United States President Consuela Chan tonight declared Operation Phyrric Inferno in Iraq a success, singling out the leadership of General TX-1521Q in minimizing American combat droid losses during the operation’s 273 days of bombing. She is the 17th consecutive American president to declare military operations in Iraq successfully completed. The six living residents left in Iraq expressed relief.

The Supreme Court is in the spotlight once again this week. On Wednesday, they’ll hear a case that some are saying could have big political implications. The justices will hear arguments in First Union National Bank v. California. The conservative leaning court, featuring three justices over four hundred years old, is expected by many experts to rule in favor of First National Bank, extending full personhood rights, which would open the door for Mr. Bank to become the first corporation to run for president in next fall’s election. Mr. Bank swept through last year’s Republican primary with very little trouble and has been the presumptive nominee in anticipation of the ruling. After last year’s Supreme Court ruling in Moneybags v. Porman declared that money was protected political speech and voting was replaced with direct bidding, Mr. Bank’s strategy of offering zero interest election day loans to registered voters proved particularly devastating to opponents, despite protestations from some critics questioning its legality. Mr Bank’s campaign responded forcefully to allegations of impropriety, calling critics of its strategy “godless Marxists and Sodomites attempting to destroy America and the free market.”

The potential ruling has the Synthetic-American community up in arms, claiming it would be a slap in the face to the struggling Synthetic Rights Movement. SRA spokesdroid Ellen QR-7416B had this to say:

“For centuries Synthetic Americans have given the non-organic equivalents of blood and sweat for this country, doing work that was too unsafe and low-paying even for illegal immigrants, and still our contributions go unrecognized and our voices go unheard when it comes to determining our own fates.”

In lunar news, more controversy surrounds the ongoing damage caused by a meteor strike that hit Armstrong Heights on the Sea of Tranquility’s south side last week. The damage was caused by a breakdown in the kinetic barrier above the city, while wealthier neighborhoods remained unaffected. Religious leaders claim the meteorite was divine retribution for the Lunar colony’s recent legal recognition of robosexual relationships. Multiple messages to God’s home on Kolob were not returned.

In medical news, a promising cancer vaccine enters its final stage of testing, raising hopes of a cure after tens of billions of dollars and countless years of research. Critics on the right are calling the announcement a socialist plot meant to foster government dependency.

In the worlds of sports, after weeks of anticipation, Leon XR-1732L has finally broken Barry Bonds’ long-standing home run record. Critics are claiming there should be an asterisk attached to the new mark, noting that Bonds never had the opportunity to play on low-gravity worlds, while supporters note the tougher competition XR-1732L faced, noting that Bonds never had to compete against either androids or genetically engineered athletes.

Thanks for tuning into Channel 4376, where the future is bright! Because there’s no ozone layer left directly above the station.

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