Code Words for Hooters (on a Lady)

Zack Newkirk, staff


If you’re like me, you’re a 12-year-old boy who stands up and applauds for a killer set of knockers. Not to objectify women or anything, but I sure do love to see a slammin’ rack on a babe. Who’s with me?


But don’t let mom catch you talking about a pair of juicy juggs or she’ll tan your hide! You can’t use any of the other descriptors either — heavy hangers, melons, cans, the twins, the girls, funbags, high beams — because she knows them all. So try out some of these really obscure synonyms for boobs to throw mom off the scent; then you and your bros can get back to talking about ’em! Schwing!


The Right One and the Left One

The Two

A Couple Up There


Harvey Milk and His Doppelganger

Cantilevered Outcroppings


Hamburger Hill and Heartbreak Ridge

Restored Cedar Cabinets

Historic Landmarks


Hang on. Mom’s a sharp one. If it seems like she’s getting wise to even those tenuous terms, it might be time to move on to even tenuouser terms:



Donkey Ramps


The Sequel to Linoleum Crisis

Bach’s pre-Leipzig Canon of Works (1703-1723)

Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay Sauce


All right, get to it! Don’t tell my mom I wrote this.

About Zack Newkirk


Check Also

The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff   Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to …