Code Words for Hooters (on a Lady)

Zack Newkirk, staff


If you’re like me, you’re a 12-year-old boy who stands up and applauds for a killer set of knockers. Not to objectify women or anything, but I sure do love to see a slammin’ rack on a babe. Who’s with me?


But don’t let mom catch you talking about a pair of juicy juggs or she’ll tan your hide! You can’t use any of the other descriptors either — heavy hangers, melons, cans, the twins, the girls, funbags, high beams — because she knows them all. So try out some of these really obscure synonyms for boobs to throw mom off the scent; then you and your bros can get back to talking about ’em! Schwing!


The Right One and the Left One

The Two

A Couple Up There


Harvey Milk and His Doppelganger

Cantilevered Outcroppings


Hamburger Hill and Heartbreak Ridge

Restored Cedar Cabinets

Historic Landmarks


Hang on. Mom’s a sharp one. If it seems like she’s getting wise to even those tenuous terms, it might be time to move on to even tenuouser terms:



Donkey Ramps


The Sequel to Linoleum Crisis

Bach’s pre-Leipzig Canon of Works (1703-1723)

Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay Sauce


All right, get to it! Don’t tell my mom I wrote this.

About Zack Newkirk


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