Zack Newkirk, staff
If you’re like me, you’re a 12-year-old boy who stands up and applauds for a killer set of knockers. Not to objectify women or anything, but I sure do love to see a slammin’ rack on a babe. Who’s with me?
But don’t let mom catch you talking about a pair of juicy juggs or she’ll tan your hide! You can’t use any of the other descriptors either — heavy hangers, melons, cans, the twins, the girls, funbags, high beams — because she knows them all. So try out some of these really obscure synonyms for boobs to throw mom off the scent; then you and your bros can get back to talking about ’em! Schwing!
The Right One and the Left One
A Couple Up There
Harvey Milk and His Doppelganger
Hamburger Hill and Heartbreak Ridge
Restored Cedar Cabinets
Hang on. Mom’s a sharp one. If it seems like she’s getting wise to even those tenuous terms, it might be time to move on to even tenuouser terms:
The Sequel to Linoleum Crisis
Bach’s pre-Leipzig Canon of Works (1703-1723)
Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay Sauce
All right, get to it! Don’t tell my mom I wrote this.