Come to California: Tourism Guide

If you haven’t heard of California yet — what, have you been living under a rock?!??

You gotta come here, baby! And when you do, here’s the stuff you ABSOLUTELY ARE REQUIRED to see!

 

THE OCEAN

This is one of the seven seas, baby — the Pacific one! It’s hot and heavy, with rolling waves and all the fish you can eat! Surf’s up, dude!!!! B-b-b-BONUS: If you go straight West from this bad boy, you’re smack-dab in the middle of China, Holmes!

 

MCDONALD’S

Burgers and babes, dude! BURGERS AND BABES!!! This is where it all started! Try the Coca-Cola Classic! But don’t run back home and tell your buds about the killer fries — that’s our little secret!

 

DISNEY

Everybody loves the mouse with the most, baby! Check out where all the checks are written, and maybe even see a tour of the studio where they film Lizzie McGuire! Word is they even have an amusement park with rides somewhere. Ask around!

 

CHICO

Did someone say “party?” If they did, you know they’re Chico-bound! This place has hot weather, easy chicks, and an even easier college to graduate from, if that’s your thing!! Cool factoid #1: Most Hollywood movies set in Hell shoot their exterior scenes up here! Cool factoid #2: The second-highest abortion rate in the state, baby — so you know they’re down to bang!

 

OUR FLAG

It’s got a bear on it, baby — so you know it’s legit! While you’re at it, snoop around and see what our other state things are! (Here’s a hint: the state flower is a dandelion, and the state bird is a kind of duck!) Uh-oh: look out for the bear! Did I mention the bear, brother?

 

Find Zack on Twitter @dmx_biographer

About Zack Newkirk

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