Cooking Tips

It’s that time of the year again — time to eat. Here are some good tips for making the process of food preparation easier:

*To soften a package of cream cheese, hurl it balefully into a roaring fireplace

*Tenderize your meat by whispering your undying devotion to it

*For those hectic moments when you don’t have a minute to spare, skip several steps of the baking process by taking food from the refrigerator and putting it directly in your diaper

*Lactose intolerant? Instead of milk on your cereal, try Vietnamese oyster sauce

*Give your digestive system a break and remove the shards of steel from your food before dining

*One piece of chicken won’t adequately feed a family of ten. Get more chickens for them

*Your typical plate of spaghetti isn’t infested with worms — those are the noodles

*Sometimes there are vegans at a restaurant. You shouldn’t go to these ones

*Make caramel by heating sugar slowly. Pour the caramel all over yourself and lie on the floor, and ants will carry you off to Narnia

*To make a nice pizza pie, take the dough and toss it in the air. Continue tossing it, for hours if necessary, until everyone leaves your house


About Zack Newkirk


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