My Cousin’s Disgusting, Obnoxious, Ball-Shriveling Wife

William Toblerone, contributor

It was November 2023 when I happened to be in St. Louis attending the Skechers conference.  That’s when I got the call. My cousin Daniel was on the phone. Funny thing about Daniel, for three days his legal name was “I know y’all got some liquor in here so fuck you for holding out,” because his mom thought his birth certificate was a comment card for the hospital. Daniel found out I was in town and insisted that I come to a celebration. So I begrudgingly agreed to attend a birthday party for my cousin’s loud, hideous wife, Gerber. Funny thing about Gerber, her mom named her that so that “all her baby eating would look real personalized.” The first present he gave her was a bright pink shotgun. The second one was even dumber. He had been suckered by one of those star registry companies to give Gerber her own star. “You can name it whatever you want,” he said as she stared at the certificate with awe.  And that’s the moment when some unsuspecting galaxy’s sun became known as Gerber420Bitch4Life!
The following year, Elizabeth Warren became the 46th president. Soon after, she got really crazy with the nuclear button and just started firing them at random until the planet was no longer inhabitable. Luckily, former President Trump had accelerated the space program megabigly, so we had all the resources we needed for the remaining population to begin colonizing a recently discovered planet. What a planet! Just like ours but with no fucking coconut.

The new planet was named Adele by popular vote. Adele revolved around a bright white sun we called SunnySun, also by popular vote. That is, until a grotesque, smelly hellraiser named Gerber went to the courts with her legally-binding star registry. “Y’all soaking up heat from my fucking star” read the court records, and she had all the proof she needed. I have to hand it to Gerber: she was willing to share all of the light and heat with the rest of the colonists, so long as the proper name was recognized.

And the evening Gerber420Bitch4Lifesets were spectacular. Eventually, though, she found the remaining years of her life entangled in court battles. Turns out those white suns can generate a lot of melanoma, and she was held accountable since it was caused by her star. “If y’all used your Gerber420Bitch4Lifetan lotion y’all wouldn’t have got Gerber420Bitch4Lifeburned,” she argued, to no avail.

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