Cow Tipping

Matt Redbeard, contributor

First off, I just want to point out that cows actually want you to do this to them. The joy that comes across those massive cute AF eyes just fills my heart with the same joy. This is a controversial topic because there is a lingering question that we can’t, as people, seem to figure out.

Why do we tip some and not others? It’s a good question. Some may even make such bold statements like why tip them at all? Also a good question, I don’t like the way in which it’s being said or what it implies, but honestly, like, do you, dude.

I say tip all cows. Even the rude ones. In fact, tip the rude ones more than you would normally. You know why? Because bovine karma gets paid $1.99 fold. That’s right. Every time I tip a cow I get almost two bucks back. Doesn’t sound like a lot? Do the math.

Ten cows a day equals twenty bucks.

Twenty bucks a day equals four pre-rolls.

Four pre-rolls a day equals my wake and bake ceremony.

Need I say more? It’s a hella good hustle.

The other reason I tip all cows is because honestly they’re working and barely get paid anything to do it. Most cows survive on their tips, and like also, you know they’re gonna kill the shit out of that thing at some point so this is the best way to not feel that twinge of guilt that you probably feel when you think about it too much.

That’s natural, that’s normal, but like, it’s hella not OK. We need to move past the problems and get to the actual meat of the problem, work all the beef out so that we can just live a normal peaceful existence where I get to push cows on the ground cause they’re really just asking for it.

About Matt Redbeard

Hella Dope

Check Also

The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff   Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to …