Cursing in PG

Keith D, contributor

Hey you dirty dogsuckers, did you know you could swear just as well or better without actually cursing? Bullpee you say? It’s true; I’ve been doing it the whole dog-gamned time!

But it doesn’t end there. Why not open businesses with phonetically-edgy yet family-friendly names? Who wouldn’t buy their furniture from the Sofa King? You can hear the commercial slogan already: “It’s Sofa King good!”

In the mood for exotic health food? I hear Pho-King really hits the spot.

Want to stand out at a farmer’s market? Tell people you want to put your cumquats inside of them. They’ll think it’s hilarious and stuff their faces with it till they start gagging. Some of them will spit it out; it’s a very bitter fruit.

I present these potential gold mines to the public only because I want to live in a world where children excitedly cheer when the “Ice Cream In Your Mouth Man” comes around.

So please, dear reader, get on this, because I am far too lazy to start a business and shiiii…


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