Why My Daughter Thinks Walgreens Is a Grocery Store

Tiffany Greysen, contributor

Unless it’s for me, I really hate shopping. I don’t like standing or walking, I’d much rather be sitting somewhere playing on Facebook. I also hate long lines, I actually hate any kind of line, or any kind of waiting. I’m the worst kind of grown-up. I look like a grown-up, but I’m not the kind of grown-up that anyone except my family would want around for the holidays, because they already know that when I show up on Thanksgiving Day, I will only come with a can of size large name-brand black olives. Sometimes, if I have thought ahead, I will bring TWO cans of olives, so that I don’t have to deal with getting another can at Christmas, but remembering to get two cans can sometimes be overwhelming.

I haven’t bought a Christmas or birthday gift for an adult-family member in over 10 years.  This is partially because I know anything I buy will be returned and scrutinized for the cost of said item, but mostly because I hate sifting through the aisles of a discount department store with rebranded shopping carts, where 12 people wait in line for one checker, while four security guards watch the line making sure that no one runs off with a makeup-stained sweater marked “irregular.”

I don’t like having to deal with snobby clerks, or people who wedge their carts sideways to keep anyone from passing.

I never make a list.

I barely buy frozen products, I’d like to say it’s because I only buy fresh for my family, but it’s because the cold aisle is just too cold.

I don’t like doing the serpentine march up and down the aisles, exchanging awkward glances with that other person doing the same march; which makes me wonder for the entire shopping trip which one of us started at the wrong end, and I wonder if they are wondering the same thing, forcing me to hang out in meats giving them ample time to jump ahead an aisle. The meats aisle is also too cold.

My favorite store is any store that has an “As Seen on TV” area.

I also hate the mall. I don’t like parking, walking, figuring out where I am, getting something to drink, finding the toilets, or paying too much for nearly anything. Like that fancy lotion that was so expensive that I saved it for something special, but that never happened, so I just threw away $30.00 by letting it rot in a drawer.

Walgreens is also open 24/7.

About Savage Henry

Check Also

The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff   Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to …