How to Decorate Your New Place After the Divorce

Love isn’t real. But your new sadness hut is! Here’s how to take whatever items you legally have left after the divorce and make your new house, or rather, rented room, a home.

Put Your Bed on the Floor – This is less a design choice and more a necessity. She kept the frame, you got the mattress. A large body pillow can be used as a headboard and will also double as filler for that cold, empty half of the bed.

Place Your Grandmother’s Hand-me-down Rocking Chair in the Corner – There’s nothing like a reminder of the only woman who will never be disappointed in you to spice up your new pad. You’ll have a great spot to sit and think about your life while you eat DiGiorno pizzas and watch whatever channels the digital antenna picks up. I recommend anything on CBS.

Stack a Bunch of Books Written by Dead Guys on the Floor – David Foster Wallace, James Joyce, Charles Bukowski, and William Faulkner don’t care if you don’t own a bookcase. Neither should you.

Lean a Skateboard Against the Wall – This will remind you of your youth and pre-emotional breakdown vitality while simultaneously serving as a conversation piece in the rare chance that anyone other than you comes over to hang out in your room.

Remove All Mirrors – Seriously dude, you’re not looking so good these days.

Hang a Battle Axe Literally Anywhere – The battle axe isn’t yours. It’s your roommate’s. He was in the war and drinks a lot so he has all kinds of weird shit. You have a lot of empty wall space. Make it work.

About Isaac Kozell

Isaac Kozell is a New Orleans based Writer and Standup Comedian. He spends his spare time skateboarding, gardening, and reminiscing about that one time back in '99 when he was invited onstage to perform with the band Sugar Ray.

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