Dinosorcery: Why Dinosaurs Were Probably Witches

Andrea Bartunek, contributor

Let’s examine our society’s obsession with the ancient beasts that were the dinosaurs. It looks like we worship them. That’s because we basically do. We put them on our clothing and our accessories. We trim hedges into their shapes and put figures of them in our garden. We paint murals and make sculptures of them. Museums collect fossils and then we go look at them on our days off. You can even buy a dinosaur shaped sandwich cutter and then eat a dinosaur. Oh, and everyone loves Jurassic Park; that’s a given. Let’s face it, we’re a culture obsessed. Have you ever been to Pittsburgh? It’s covered in dinosaur sculptures. There’s a dinosaur on every corner. There are giant dinosaur sculptures in Cabazon, CA that you can go inside of. INSIDE OF. It’s a moneymaking roadside attraction.

There are dinosaur theme parks where you can ride dinosaur roller coasters. I wonder if the dinosaurs knew how popular they would be. Maybe they did know. Maybe they were magical creatures. This makes sense when you think about it, I swear. Like, why do you think they disappeared? Sure, whatever, the “ice age.” Yeah, right. You know the dinosaurs probably caused that with their laser eyes that made ice. How are we supposed to know? FROM SCIENCE? Whatever, science; dinosaurs were witches. How else do you think their tracks are still visible in Dinosaur Valley State Park in Glen Rose, Texas? That’s some magic right there. That’s not science, that’s a spell.

Let’s continue on the topic of dinosorcery. Frankly, we’re a little stuck in the past. We should really let this whole dinosaur thing go. I mean it happened soooo long ago. Let’s just get over it. We will never be over dinosaurs. They’re a staple to our world culture. What else would we put on our tee-shirts? What would we make ice sculptures of? What would we talk about on a first date? We would be so lost. I’m not sure how no one else has come to the conclusion that dinosaurs were most likely witches. There really is a lot to back up this theory. I’m sure there are some crazy religious people out there that believe dinosaurs were made by Satan. But hey, that’s kind of proving my point. Wait, if that’s true and we basically worship dinosaurs, then our society is basically worshiping the devil. Oh well, looks like he won.


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