The DMV’s Secret Menu: A Guide to the Often Overlooked and Unknown Rules of the Road

Who doesn’t like driving? Boy oh boy, nothing better than a nice drive. But sometimes taking a drive can be dangerous — not “using a lawn mower wrecked on Jagermeister” dangerous, but actually dangerous. After getting pulled over many times I have compiled a list of things the DMV won’t tell you are illegal to do in, on, and with your car.  

No matter how big of a captain’s hat you wear, your car will never follow the laws of international waters. So toss out all the cocaine and fireworks, and tell that group of Vietnamese high rollers to put their guns away and beat it.

No matter how many times you have watched Lethal Weapon you DO NOT have diplomatic immunity. Go put some pants on; no police officer will believe you are the chancellor of bigweinersburgh.

Listening to any Smash Mouth song that IS NOT “ALL STAR!” But what about “Walking On The Sun?” YOU’RE GOING TO JAIL!

Eating a French Dip sandwich. The good Lord blessed us with the magic that is au jus and you want to eat it in your car like some kind of beef prostitute? You take that sandwich home and treat it like a lady, damn it!

Bringing trail mix that does not have M&Ms in it. If you are the “raisins are just as good as candy” guy you will have your license revoked and pay a $15,000 fine.

Catcalling out of the car. Have we learned nothing from the wisdom of TLC? No one wants to fuck you! You are the worst and drive a 1987 Datsun. You will have to pay a $30,000 fine and have your ‘87 Datsun replaced with an ‘85 Datsun that smells like pee and Twizzlers.

Having a personalized license plate. It is not technically illegal, but you are put on the government’s watch list of insufferable assholes.

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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