Dr. Foxmeats Guide to Antique Appraising

Dr. Foxmeat

When was the last time you pulled those out the family antique chest and dusted those things off? If you are like me, it’s been TOO long. The unfortunate thing about that is, all of us, even mexican people, have an untapped fortune of these gross old oddities, just laying around collecting grime. The good news: I am here to help you figure out how to get top dollar for those disgusting artifacts. With these failsafe techniques you will be able to find your footing in this fast paced environment and with a little determination and elbow grease, become a pro antique appraiser in no time. First off, you’re probably asking yourself “what IS an antique?” … fair question. Although I am a pro in the field, I must admit that I had heard the word in passing, but never really took the time to find out what it meant. It turns out it’s basically a term for a rancid old bag of cups or a nasty pile of vases that are all gross and dirty and old. The word “antique” itself roughly translates to “gross/old antiques” and was originally used by alchemists to describe a dilapidated old bucket to keep rags and garbage pieces in. It’s no surprise that just a few centuries later, we are all going crazy for those filthy buckets and here is your chance to make the most of this new trend.

Step 1: Find your antiques.

This should be relatively simple. Your step dad should have given your mother a chest before he left. Ask her if it’s still out in the van on the side yard. WATCH OUT FOR SPIDERS!!! Terry said he’d take care of them before you got there but Terry is a stupid piece of shit and never keeps his word on anything!!! Just ask that little bitch about my Miller High Life poster… just ask him. Once you’ve retrieved the chest, you should be able to pop the lock off with a tire iron or crowbar. Those family antique chest locks were all made back in the late ’70s when nickel was SUPER expensive so most of the locking mechanisms were made of a soft, waxlike gel.

Step 2: Clean the things!

Antiques by definition are gross, old things filled with pieces of garbage and rags. It’d probably be a good idea to get a pair of coveralls and some gloves. Eye protection is a good idea if your antiques are the kind that spray noxious fluids or emit small projectiles.
I was lucky and there weren’t any rags in my antiques but PLENTY of garbage. In fact, at first I had accidentally mistaken my family’s antique chest for a bag of my neighbor’s garbage and had eaten over half of it before realizing my mistake. It was no easy task to ease tensions with the neighbors after that one. i had to leave their kids several threatening notes before things seemed to smooth over. Be sure that you also have plenty of febreeze on hand. That’ll take care of over half the work right there. The rest is just a matter of soap, warm water and again, elbow grease. Make sure you rub your antiques hard, but not too hard. Like as if it were a genie’s lamp that was made out of glued together croutons. Enough to wake the genie, but not so much that you mash the thing all to hell.

Step 3: Identify the players.

What is it? A vase full of trash? A garbagey old boot? Maybe it’s just a rag pile that looks like an antique. You won’t know until you consult a book. Try one about antiques. I used one that was about a guy that was meeting his father for the first time in 25 years. Anyway, they mentioned a bucket in one chapter and talked about one of the guys using a rag to wipe some sweat off of his head, but other than that, not too much about antiques. Enough to gather that I was on the right track. It’s easy to tell some antiques apart. For example, a ring looks like a sucked on lifesaver, made out of metal, while a vase is like a cup for a giant person that likes to drink water with flowers in it.

Step 4: Take the piggies to market. WHEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the most crucial step. Antiques are HIGHLY volatile, can be badly damaged in transport and could even get all messed up. Don’t use the van on the side yard. It’s probably still full of spiders no thanks to Terry’s sorry ass. A wagon should work just fine provided the wheels are attached and still turn. If the handle is broken, just use a length of rope or an electrical cord tied to the bolt holes. If there are no bolt hole, use a powerful magnet attached to broom handle. Hey, you never know, on your way to sell your antiques, you could run into a wagon collector and make a sale that will eclipse the crummy reward you’ll receive at the antique store. Stay optimistic.

Step 5: Stay strong

So, if you’ve followed the steps correctly, you should have your wagon full of items and be at the front desk of your local antique store. This is no time to lose your cool. Walk up to the biggest old lady in the store and punch her right in the jaw. If you take out the strongest hag in the place, on the first day, no one will try and steal your smokes when you are in the yard. At this point the guy working behind the counter should be putty in your hands. Tell him you don’t take trash from back talking wisenheimers and quickly flash a pile of old gross cups, so he know’s you are serious. Always try and upsell. If he just wants a nasty old bucket, try and throw in a greasy rag or two. If you’ve got him on the line for a nice deteriorating rag pile, see if he couldn’t use a faulty bucket to store them in. One thing’s for sure, if you’ve used the “genie’s crouton lamp” method, he should be watering at the mouth to get his hand on those sweet, sweet ‘tiques. Highball him and undercut him any chance you get. If you have an audio recording of his children speaking derisively about his work ethics to play over the loudspeakers, this should suffice to intimidate him and cause him to miss key details about your haul. You should have him so turned around by the time you’ve sold your stash, he’ll be begging for nickels in front of the roller rink.

You are all set! With these tips, you should have the extra cash you needed for that fancy trip to Fresno in no time at all! In a pinch, just remember the 5 “T’s” of antique appraisal:
1) Talk about appraising antiques
2)Teach yourself to appraise antiques
3)Tell a friend you have a pile of gross old cups for sale
4) Time for antiques selling
5) Trample anyone who tries to buy your antiques for less than you think is fair.

Good luck and until next time: Keep on ‘Tique’in.

About Savage Henry

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