Dr. Jasper Harrison’s Old-Timey Frontier Medicine Corner

Tuberculosis
Treatment: Shake your fist at the Sun while shouting “YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME YOU NO ACCOUNT CIRCLE?!”
Prognosis: You’re going to die.

Cholera
Treatment: Find someone who is Jewish and kiss them. You are probably going to die but at least you won’t die an anti-Semitic asshole.
Prognosis:  You’re going to die.

Pneumonia
Treatment: Three swipes from a mountain lion across the jugular. Three — no more, no less.
Prognosis: You’re going to die.

Typhoid Fever
Treatment: Stand on the tracks and attempt to fight an oncoming train. If you live, you are a superhero.
Prognosis: You’re going to die.

Dysentery
Treatment: Kick someone who is taller than you in the shins.
Prognosis: You’re going to die. But it is going to be hilarious because you know… poop.

Gangrene
Treatment: Buy a boat.
Prognosis: You’re going to die. However, if you don’t, you are going to be the owner of a sweet new boat.

Scarlet Fever
Treatment: Tickle a bear.
Prognosis: You’re going to die.

Smallpox
Treatment: Go to the center of town. Look to the heavens. Then do an extremely sexual dance.
Prognosis: You’re going to die.

Measles
Treatment: Cover yourself head-to-toe in honey. Rob a bank while shouting the phrase, “I’M THE MAYOR OF WEINER TOWN!”
Prognosis: You’re going to die. But your death will leave more questions than answers.

Syphilis
Treatment: Run around town and tell everyone you know.  That way people will know that you died getting some ass.
Prognosis: You’re going to die.

 Twitter:@JoshArgyle

 

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website josh-argyle.com for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

Check Also

Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor   OPPODY All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It …