Dr. Shoechucker: In Defense of Patriarchy

Choada Salinas, contributor

Face it – if it weren’t for men you wouldn’t be here. Even if your father was the kind of rolling stone that left you nothing but alone, he is still the primary reason for your existence. Women may be the ones giving birth but it’s men who provide the seed. Therefore, it’s really men who harbor and harness the true forces of life. Without our seed, women wouldn’t have the opportunity to be ‘mothers’ in the first place. All this touchy-feely bleeding heart rhetoric about the value of ‘Mother Earth’ and her rainbow puking unicorn goddesses is just a shill designed by the misandrist industrial complex to repress men’s natural instinctive power, keeping them subservient to women’s crappy whims, wild mood swings, and vagina dentata.

It’s obvious that men have made all the important social and technological advancements ever, which clearly proves their superiority. Sure, your endlessly boring Ani DiFrancos and topless Femenactivists, your scummy Riot Grrrls and highfalutin Secretaries of State would ell you that women had been systematically excluded from providing their input by this domineering thing they call the patriarchy. Except what they don’t tell you is that women simply never had anything good to say. When was the last time any woman actually contributed something valuable to the world? I can’t name one important woman thinker, engineer, scientist, or pope. For that matter, when was the last time a woman contributed something valuable around the house? Even the dog wouldn’t eat my last wife’s vegan Mediterranean chili with balsamic vinegar and soy ‘cheese.’

Rational thought was created by men. Science was created by men. Society, structure, rules, social organization, everything that makes the world what it is, all created by men. Men’s work is vitally important to the day-to-day functioning of the world as well as its continued forward progress. On the other hand, everything women say or do is just an insidiously underhanded strategic maneuver to relieve you of your hard earned money and well-deserved custody of the kids. This is why we need patriarchy. Women use that word like it’s a bad thing. It’s not. It’s a necessary means for keeping them in their rightful place. If we let women say and do whatever they want then we are giving in to their irrational demands. Maybe it’s the monthly estrogen overdose, maybe it’s something else, but women just don’t have the capacity for reason and common sense that men have.

Without patriarchy, all we would have is some bullshit form of feminist anarchy. A society run by women would quickly devolve into rewarded failure, over inflated self-esteem, and institutionalized witchcraft. The patriarchy is our last line of defense against such a world of uncontrollable chaos and despair. Looking at it another way, if women had their way there would be nothing left to make men out of boys. No big trucks to go mudding in or alcohol to make it extra fun. No .50 caliber Desert Eagle handguns or assault rifles to hunt with. But that wouldn’t matter because we wouldn’t be eating meat anyway. Our diet would consist of kale and tofu over rice, maybe the occasional gossamer sheet of lightly salted seaweed. I doubt there would even be a good meat substitute since a substitute demands a connection with the real thing. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want to live without the things that make me a man. Without those things, all men would be castrated, impotent and useless shells of their former selves. For that not to happen, we need to maintain the patriarchy.

Long live androphilia! Long live patriarchy!

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