Dr. Shoechucker: Krokodil Kouture

Dr. shoeChucker, contributor

Krokodil is the new black. In case you haven’t heard of it, krokodil or God-K, is the ultimate in DIY intoxicant ingenuity. Fuck heroin chic. The next big thing is Krokodil Kouture.

More Substance D than Seattle Smack, God-K earns its name by being the closest you will ever come to heaven on earth. Better than alcohol, better than salvia boiled in bath salts, krokodil also creates fashion possibilities you never could have imagined on your own. From New York Socialites to San Francisco Hipsters, God-K is rapidly taking the place of Etsy for modern fashionistas needing to hang their cred on the next trend. You can get in on the ground floor. Years from now, when people look back on the new forms of self-expression this wonder drug brought to society, you’ll be able to say that you were doing it first. You were a leader, a trendsetter, the vanguard that made God-K such a perfect microcosm of modern life – an obliviously nihilistic race to the bottom. And you can make it yourself with a few household ingredients.

While the active ingredient in God-K is desomorphine, it’s really the lithium extracted from those rechargeable batteries still sitting in your closet mixed with 87-octane gasoline that gives it such a distinctive kick. You start with basic codeine, easily available in your next drugstore cowboy heist. But you are way too cool to be like those poseurs who just pop the pills. In today’s fast-paced world there just isn’t enough time to wait for a pill to dissolve and distribute itself throughout your body. Instead, crush those beautiful little balls of joy, break them down in a petro-chemical cocktail, polarize the ions, and mainline that shit.

The fashion possibilities are endless. God-K gives you the chance to jump in on the best that body customization has to offer. You’re too real to be dragging behind all those models with their perfect tits and toned legs. What you need are some festering open sores, some disproportional swelling, and the sunken hollow cheekbones of a sublime Greek statue. Breast implants, botox, collagen injections, that’s all for shallow spray-tanned MILFs in Scottsdale and Miami. Tattoos, piercings, branding, and scarification are for derivative Hollywood wannabes. You don’t want to be seen as some plastic bimbo or some bandwagon inkblot. Instead, inject some God-K into your ‘problem-areas’ for that perfect rotting from the bone look. In a few short days you’ll have a natural rosy glow that screams how fashion-forward you really are, all without expensive invasive surgery or the pain of tiny needles digging through your flesh.

And the clothes, oh, the clothes! Your new custom body deserves a customized outfit to really stand out from the crowd. Those thrift store rags you’ve been squeezing into since high school will gain a whole new fit that only God-K can give. It used to be that people would pay extra for that ‘distressed’ look. Jeans with holes strategically worn into the knees, the ones that give an aura of constantly blowing dudes for dime bags, are so out of style. You need new holes in your clothing that show off your favorite spots to slam your new God. Your grandmother’s paisley scarf you’ve been wearing since her Alzheimer’s took hold will magically morph from a tired tacky accessory to a tastefully wearable tourniquet. The China flats that have gracefully carried you through your early fashion disasters will start giving your feet a new kind of contact with the earth.

Mark my words, every true fashionista has something to gain from Krokodil Kouture. It’s not just for Russians anymore.

About Savage Henry

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