Zeke Herrera, contributor
The holiday season is fast approaching, and for me that means two days that I eagerly wait for are coming soon. My favorite of these is the day eggnog finally hits the store shelves. But, to be fair, they only hit the shelves because the shelves served eggnog a cold dinner after eggnog just got off from a really stressful day at work. So they kind of deserved it.
My second favorite, but probably the more important of the two, is Christmas. I know Christmas is oversaturated in commercialization, but it is still important because of one man; a man who laid everything on the line, a man whose words I have followed religiously, and who has been teaching me my entire life: John McClane. Yes, every year on Christmas day, I have a marathon of the greatest movie series ever made and probably the greatest thing that happened during Reagan’s Administration, Die Hard (1-3 usually, 4 and 5 are bullshit.).
Last year, right before my yearly ritual, I was on stumbleupon.com when I happened to stumble upon an article. It was a recipe for a drink named The Yippy Ki Yay Motherfucker, a combination of my favorite things (booze, eggnog, and Die Hard). I had to make this drink. As every rational person who was excreted out of their mother’s womb onto American soil would do, I skimmed the directions, then ignored them. There was a YouTube video but I stopped watching after the first 30 seconds of nobody getting hit in the testicles. So here is my version of The Yippy Ki Yay Motherfucker:
1 carton of eggnog (if it has the word ‘light’ on it, it is essentially water and should be put where water belongs, in the toilet)
1 bottle of Jack Daniel’s (if you substitute this ingredient I will fight your family)
1/2 cup of sugar
Red Dye #1 (for America)
Ice (if you give a fuck, and if you watch Die Hard, you don’t)
1. Take 1/2 cup sugar and mix in red dye #1 until it looks like bloody shards of glass.
2. Take your favorite glass or drinking bucket and dip the rim in the sugar until there is a nice, even coat.
3. Pour in eggnog and Jack Daniel’s until you feel like drinking it.
4. Stir with a gun (do not use a PPK; those are for stirring a child’s drink, and for British people to put each other out of their misery) .
5. Watch Die Hard.
If done right this recipe will result in up to a 3-day erection, so if you’re lucky you too may die hard.